Have you ever heard of Gabriel Iglesias? He has a moniker for "heavy" that I've adopted: "fluffy." I'll often say "I'm not fat, I'm fluffy. I'm in shape, round is a shape. What do you like to do with fluffy things? You like to cuddle with them, you like to pet them, they keep you warm. Just like a Cadillac, I'm built for comfort, not for speed. Everyone looks the same in the dark, I'm just softer." When the guests in my restaurant compliment the suggestion I gave them, I'll say, "Fluffy girls know what's good. Don't trust the skinny bitches running around here!"
As far back as I remember, I've been fluffy. In sixth grade, I was petrified of those stupid physical fitness tests. The mile run was my mortal enemy. Who gives a crap how far I can jump or how many pull ups I can do? I would love to blame genetics for my size (I do come from the "average American family," ie, overweight) but I can't. My brother has always been thin. Of course when we would go to Sizzler as a kid, he would fill his plate with 1,000 kinds of fruit and Jell-O and I would fill mine with chicken strips, potato salad and extra chocolate on my ice cream.
In my family, we celebrate with food. We mourn with food. We medicate with food. We babysit with food. We reward with food. We eat when we're bored. We eat when we're happy. We snack before dinner to "tide us over." Seconds were never discouraged if there was some left over. I can't tell you how many times I heard, "If you don't finish your dinner, you won't get any dessert." For my brother, this was fine. He'd leave the extra on his plate (much to my mother's chagrin) whereas I would keep going even if I was full because I wanted that oh so sweet, sugary, creamy, chocolaty goodness.
As I got into my teen years, I became rebellious. My mom and I got into it constantly (90% of it my fault). The only place I could think to turn was food. It became my happy place. Angry? Have four Oreos and milk and you'll feel better. Pissed off because you got a bad grade on a test? Fritos and bean dip will do the trick.
Don't even get me started once I got my first job and my first car! I've always worked in restaurants where there is an endless supply of extras, mistakes, leftovers, etc. I worked at Burger King for like six months. During your shift, you got a free small fry and free soda. If there "happened" to be an extra Whopper leftover...
The ramifications for my "drive thru diet" and constant restaurant food presence (not to mention a SERIOUS Dr. Pepper addiction) first reared its ugly head when I was 20. I woke up at 7 am the morning after a Jack in the Box binge with searing pain in my side. It was gallbladder disease. An ultrasound showed that I had major stones and needed surgery ASAP. Only I had no insurance. So, I had to go back to school so I could get back on my dad's insurance. While I was waiting for all the paperwork to go through, I literally COULD NOT EAT more than 30 grams of fat a day for a YEAR. That meant a year without fries, burgers, chicken strips and a year full of teriyaki chicken bowls, white fish, salads, grilled chicken and fruit. The several times I broke that rule, I had SEARING WHITE HOT PAIN in my stomach and on several occasions the pain was so severe that I threw up. According to my mom, the pain I experienced during those episodes is equivalent or worse than childbirth. It hurts THAT BAD.
I still drank Dr. Pepper (since the gallbladder is affected by fat and not sugar), ate sorbet and didn't work out but I lost 85 pounds and fit into a size 14 jean for the first time since the beginning of high school. It felt awesome. So what did I do once my body was healed? Celebrated. With Jack in the Box. I had come full circle. But of course, I decided that subconsciously sugar was OK because hey, I had lost weight while still drinking Dr. Pepper, right?
Since then it's been an endless cycle of drive thru abuse, eating at work (did I mention I worked at The CHEESECAKE Factory for 6 years?) and procrastinating my way out of working out. I joined gyms several times, would be going strong for a week, and then would have a bad day and drown my sorrows in some Phish Food (Ben & Jerry's). Then I would feel so guilty for giving into my craving that I would feel like a failure and "it's already blown anyway," and go into it again.
I'm sure you're all thinking, "Just put the fork down. Don't buy the ice cream at the store. Drive PAST McDonald's, not THROUGH McDonald's. A cheeseburger never solved anything." If those are your thoughts, you don't understand. Just like a heroin addict or an alcoholic are constantly looking for their next fix, it's the same feeling for me. When I'm eating, I'm happy. I'm content. My problems are on hold. And once I'm done, I'm looking forward to my next "fix." The difference is, you don't need alcohol or heroin to survive. You need food. Walk into an AA meeting and tell them that they HAVE to drink JUST ONE BEER everyday and see what happens.
Einstein (I think) defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I have to break the cycle of insanity. Here are the challenges I face:
*Clinical depression and an anxiety disorder for which I am currently on medication.
*A serious, serious sugar addiction.
*A foot that is in a lot of pain due to a steel door kicking incident two years ago that was never given a chance to heal properly.
*A gift to be able to find ANY EXCUSE UNDER THE SUN to not go to the gym. Here are some of my favorites:
"It's too hot to drive there."
"I haven't had any water yet so I'm going to dehydrate."
"I haven't had breakfast yet so I won't have any energy once I'm there."
"I just ate. I'll get a cramp."
"I have to wash my work uniform."
"I want to see if anyone comments on my facebook page."
"Just ONE MORE episode of Golden Girls and I'll go."
"I'm going to have to get gas on the way there and I'm short on cash."
"I HAVE to scrub my shower doors."
"I can't find my Ipod headphones."
"If I work out now, I won't have any energy for work."
Here's my plan. Christina has challenged us to take on the various gimmicks every six weeks and test the results. Because of the challenges I face and since I have so far to go (80-90 pounds), I need a baseline of my behavior, moods and habits.
I plan on doing what doctors recommend: eat right and exercise. I asked my doctor what "eat right" was and he said "low carb, low calorie and low fat." Not just ONE, but all three. Doctors recommend a minimum of 30 minutes of cardio a day, five days a week so that will be the minimum I include. They also recommend strength exercises (weights) to build muscle and therefore increase metabolism.
Disclaimer: I already have a gym membership and I have already been trained on the use of free weights and machines at the gym. If you're not, I highly recommend either a personal trainer or learning from a friend how to use the equipment. The staff at gyms are generally friendly and would rather show you how to use something correctly then risk you hurting yourself. Gyms typically have a variety of activities, classes and resources (like pools, spas and saunas) that you may not otherwise have access to. You can also check your local recreation center as LOTS of times they'll have gyms in them that don't require a downpayment or a contract, you simply pay month to month.
My goal is to blog honestly about how I'm doing. How I'm feeling. The challenges I'm facing. What I'm hoping to see is a decrease in anxiety and stress. I'm hoping to break the sugar addiction. I did it once (for a month) and I can do it again. After six weeks, I'll try something new, whether it be a new workout like hot yoga or the Insanity workout or whatever. My goal is to be honest. Not for me, but for you. Because I want you to see the journey. I'm not an informercial that's going to give you the "before" and "after." I'm going to show you how it's done. But I have to show myself that I can do it first.
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