I'm convinced that there is a war room in my body somewhere. It's a dark, humid place where all of the worst parts of me congregate. My sugar addiction picks up my anxiety on the way to the gluten intolerance's house where they all cram into my bloodstream to ride their way into my brain. When they get there, I picture the conversation going something like this:
Brain: "Ok, bitches! Let's call this meeting to order! How can we fuck her up now?"
Sugar addiction: "Cravings! Lots and lots of cravings! Cravings EVERYWHERE!"
Brain: "Good! What should we make her crave?"
Gluten intolerance: "I know! I've been lonely! How about we get together with the carb loaders? Mmmm, flour tortillas and white buns. Yummy!"
Anxiety: "I like that idea. It'll give me some action too!"
Brain: "These are all great suggestions, but we've tried them all. She's still just a stubborn bitch who just does what she wants until she can't. Remember when we threw all those stones into the gallbladder so she had to take it out? But she didn't have insurance so she had to wait like a year? That was awesome! We need something like that!"
Well, they've figured it out. My jaw is now screwed. I started going to the chiropractor because I was having really bad tension headaches. With the job I have now, I sit most of the day and my neck has been moving forward and getting gradually worse. So, I went to get it fixed. Unfortunately, during the treatment for my neck, it jacked up my jaw even worse. I've always had problems with it (popping, etc.) but it never got in my way. Now, it's so bad that I can't chew.
Hold up girl! Did you just say you can't chew???
Yes, I can't chew. The only teeth that will go together are my front teeth. I can't open my mouth very wide and if I can't swallow it or mash it with my tongue, I can't eat it (get your minds out of the gutter! This is a serious issue!) So, I've been drinking a lot of smoothies and eating soft food and if I do make the valiant attempt to eat somewhat solid food, it takes me 9x as long. My hair and nails look like absolute crap and I know i'm not getting enough nutrition. Plus on top of that, I went off my antidepressants 2-3 weeks ago (I went on them a few years ago when two of my grandparents were dying and there was a lot of transition going on in my life and I don't want to be on them forever,) so that combined with this, I'm all jacked up. All of this combined with it taking FOREVER to close on our house has turned me into a big stress and anxiety ball.
I know you're thinking, "Ok, we get it, Muffin Top. What the f--- does this have to do with this blog?" I watched a documentary called "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead" a few months ago and the idea of juicing has stuck with me ever since. The boyfriend (we'll call him Vlad) and I have talked about getting a juicer for awhile. Now with all of my jaw issues, it seems to be a more pressing issue. But I wanted him to do it with me and, let me tell you, he is 100% man and he has the stubborn streak to go with it. Well, last night, I was FINALLY able to convince him to watch this documentary with me. At first he was like, "Yeah, whatever. I'll watch it because you want me to watch it." I shit you not, we were less than an hour into it before he started researching juicers on his phone!
Some of the benefits of juicing are:
*Detoxified liver (and the good Lord knows I've given mine a beating)
*Healthy skin, hair and nails
*More energy
*Improved brain function
*Improved heart function
*Slowing down the aging process
*Improved joint function – helping with arthritis
*Less disease-prone body environment. Acidic environments breed diseases.
*Better digestion
and of course WEIGHT LOSS!
So, since the purpose of this blog is to try out various diets and report their findings, that's what I'm doing. We should have our juicer hopefully sometime this week and I'll let you know how it's going What I'm really hoping to get out of the whole thing is: a clearer mind, less pounds, more energy, stronger hair and nails, and reduced cravings for sweets and breads and salty food.
Damn, now I want pizza.
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