FML

Seriously, I hate my body at the moment.

For the first time in my life, it's not because "I'm totally having a fat day so instead of doing something about it, I'm going to drown my sorrows in a Western Bacon Cheeseburger, fried zucchini with two containers of ranch and a Nestea Raspberry Iced Tea and pick up a pint of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food to watch while I watch Golden Girls alone night" (consuming 1450 calories, 80 grams of fat, 143 carbs and 2730 grams of sodium with dinner and 1120 calories, 52 grams of fat, 148 carbs and 340 mg of sodium while sitting on my fat ass later that evening).

I hate it because I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing and my body isn't doing what it's supposed to be doing. If you read my last post, you saw that I'm supposed to cut out gluten and sugar and sugar substitutes, etc, etc, etc. So, I've been doing that. I only jacked up once and went to Taco Bell. I had just gotten done working out and was CRAVING a burrito. Like MAD craving. I had to run to the store to get a couple of things and there was a Taco Bell on the way. Soooo, I decided to test this whole gluten theory AND fulfill my craving. Bad idea. Within an hour, I was feeling even more bloated than I had been earlier that day. I thought that would be almost impossible.

I hate it because I've been doing the right things. I haven't been using any artificial sweeteners or processed sugar and I've been ingesting minimal raw sugar. I've been eating low fat. I haven't been eating gluten. I've been making dinner at home and I feel like a fucking rabbit because I eat tons of salads with dressing on the side where I dip my fork in so I get minimal calories. I've been eating the Activia. I've been taking Benefiber (3x a day when I remember, but at least twice). I've been drinking tons of water. I pee like twelve times a day. But for the love of all that is holy, I can't poo like I used to! I'm still so backed up. Today was the first day that I was able to poo three times. I feel like going out and buying a lottery ticket!

I've been working out as well. I'm lucky enough to have a gym and spa at my work that I have access to. I'm thinking of becoming a regular in the steam room with all the old hags with too much money and nothing better to do. I've been parking further away and taking the stairs. I've been doing what I can.

Even after the religious experiences I had on the throne today, I still feel so bloated. This is one of the signs of gluten intolerance AND IBS. Greeeaaaat. This is one of the reasons I went to the doctor in the first place. It usually takes two weeks to see some relief from gluten intolerance and I'm a week in. So, this is good. But, why all the anger at my body, you're probably asking?

After all this crap (or, rather, not?), and after SOME relief, I still haven't lost any weight. After ALL the salads, all the fruit, all the vegetables, all the homemade crab salad, all the lowfat pad thai, no bread, no ice cream, no cookies, no french fries, no cheeseburgers, no soda, no fruit punch, no Crystal Light, no mac and cheese, no alfredo pasta, no pizza, no frozen custard even though there is a Culver's next door.

I'm hoping those blood tests come back that I have something wrong and that the doctors can fix. I dunno. Maybe I ate a watermelon seed and I have one growing in my belly. Maybe I accidentally ingested a parasite that has grown into an alligator. Maybe I have a weird biological glitch that causes the air I breathe to turn into sugar. Son. Of. A. Bitch.