Video Blog Numero Uno!

I know what you're thinking... 2 blogs in one day!? Truth be told i've been sitting on this video for about 2 months now, and as of today I was sick of attempting to figure out how to fix it, re-work it, etc... So I just decided to dive right in and post the damn thing.

It's just a compilation of the funnies clips from the night my friend and I decided to drink.... aaaaand then decided it would be a good idea to work out. It really would have worked better if it was the other way around. I know this... So in the following video you'll see why it doesn't work to drink and workout... enjoy!

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Bikini? Yes Indeedy!

Yes, I am aware that the title on this blog is cheesy.  Ask me if I care...

So where to start?  (I'm just letting you know that my cursor has been blinking at me for the last 5 minutes at this point...)

3 weeks ago I signed on to do this 90 day goal setting program, and as a coach I also have to set a goal to work on for the 90 days.  The goal, you may ask, was of course a fitness goal.  My end result to prove that i've been working on it?  To post a picture of me in a bikini here on this blog for the whole world to see!  (And there can be no photoshopping of any kind, nor spray tanned abs.)  Needless to say my butt muscles clenched a little when I said this out loud to my coaching group...  First step to getting a goal: Tell everyone  so they can hold you to it, right? Crap.

So now i'm telling everyone that happens to run across this blog too... Why?  Because I want to keep my butt muscles clenched so I actually get it done and look fab (not flab) come 3 months from now.

Now on to my regimen:  I'm going to start by downloading this awesome nutrition plan (phase 1) from LiveFitRevolution.com.  It's a 6 week nutrition plan that gets rid of a ton of weight!  I watched my mom go through this program so i've seen the results.  This is no time to mess around with fad diets.  I'm grabbing this goal by the horns and riding it all the way to the skinny and fit finish line people!  Also on this website they have videos that you can follow working with a kettlebell. Done and done!

I'm also working on posting at least 3 video blogs in the 90 days as well...  The first one is going to be a rough cut so excuse the sloppiness of it all.  Here's just a hint of what it in-tells... Drinking- How its not a good idea when you are working out.

FML

Seriously, I hate my body at the moment.

For the first time in my life, it's not because "I'm totally having a fat day so instead of doing something about it, I'm going to drown my sorrows in a Western Bacon Cheeseburger, fried zucchini with two containers of ranch and a Nestea Raspberry Iced Tea and pick up a pint of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food to watch while I watch Golden Girls alone night" (consuming 1450 calories, 80 grams of fat, 143 carbs and 2730 grams of sodium with dinner and 1120 calories, 52 grams of fat, 148 carbs and 340 mg of sodium while sitting on my fat ass later that evening).

I hate it because I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing and my body isn't doing what it's supposed to be doing. If you read my last post, you saw that I'm supposed to cut out gluten and sugar and sugar substitutes, etc, etc, etc. So, I've been doing that. I only jacked up once and went to Taco Bell. I had just gotten done working out and was CRAVING a burrito. Like MAD craving. I had to run to the store to get a couple of things and there was a Taco Bell on the way. Soooo, I decided to test this whole gluten theory AND fulfill my craving. Bad idea. Within an hour, I was feeling even more bloated than I had been earlier that day. I thought that would be almost impossible.

I hate it because I've been doing the right things. I haven't been using any artificial sweeteners or processed sugar and I've been ingesting minimal raw sugar. I've been eating low fat. I haven't been eating gluten. I've been making dinner at home and I feel like a fucking rabbit because I eat tons of salads with dressing on the side where I dip my fork in so I get minimal calories. I've been eating the Activia. I've been taking Benefiber (3x a day when I remember, but at least twice). I've been drinking tons of water. I pee like twelve times a day. But for the love of all that is holy, I can't poo like I used to! I'm still so backed up. Today was the first day that I was able to poo three times. I feel like going out and buying a lottery ticket!

I've been working out as well. I'm lucky enough to have a gym and spa at my work that I have access to. I'm thinking of becoming a regular in the steam room with all the old hags with too much money and nothing better to do. I've been parking further away and taking the stairs. I've been doing what I can.

Even after the religious experiences I had on the throne today, I still feel so bloated. This is one of the signs of gluten intolerance AND IBS. Greeeaaaat. This is one of the reasons I went to the doctor in the first place. It usually takes two weeks to see some relief from gluten intolerance and I'm a week in. So, this is good. But, why all the anger at my body, you're probably asking?

After all this crap (or, rather, not?), and after SOME relief, I still haven't lost any weight. After ALL the salads, all the fruit, all the vegetables, all the homemade crab salad, all the lowfat pad thai, no bread, no ice cream, no cookies, no french fries, no cheeseburgers, no soda, no fruit punch, no Crystal Light, no mac and cheese, no alfredo pasta, no pizza, no frozen custard even though there is a Culver's next door.

I'm hoping those blood tests come back that I have something wrong and that the doctors can fix. I dunno. Maybe I ate a watermelon seed and I have one growing in my belly. Maybe I accidentally ingested a parasite that has grown into an alligator. Maybe I have a weird biological glitch that causes the air I breathe to turn into sugar. Son. Of. A. Bitch.

I'm one of "those people."

I HATE those people! The ones who modify the hell out of everything and get really irritated and the ones you just want to stab in the eye with a fork? Yeah, I'm going to have to start wearing sunglasses everywhere to protect myself.
So, how much does this suck? I'm pretty sure I have IBS that is exacerbated by gluten. I don't think I have full blown Celiac disease, but I'm pretty sure I have a textbook case of gluten intolerance. I went to the doctor on Tuesday and I had blood drawn on Thursday morning to figure out with the HELL is going on with my body.
All I know is that for the last month, I've felt like Violet from Willy Wonka. Seriously. I started doing the low fat thing because I was having issues when I would eat fatty foods. I cut down my portions and increased my fruit and vegetable intake. I drank mostly water and coffee and the occasional soda water with lime. I cut down on sugar and was doing mostly sugar free.
Apparently this was all a bad idea. I GAINED like five or ten pounds. Who has two thumbs and was pissed? THIS GIRL!
So, I went to the doctor and here's what I get the JOY of doing for the next few weeks: the rest of this week, still keep low fat, but watch the sugar. And no artificial sweeteners. AND take Benefiber 3 times a day. And eat Activia. AND try to not drink caffeine. Next week: All this crap AND cut out gluten. Easier said than done. Gluten isn't just wheat and soy. It's used as a binding product in a lot of breads and pastas. You know, the good stuff. The week after that? All this bullshit AND cut out dairy (except for the Activia because it's healthier than taking probiotic supplements.) Oh, and I'm supposed to work out at least 30 minutes a day.
So, basically what I've figured out is that my body hates processed stuff. I feel better when I have salads (dressing on the side, no croutons, no cheese) and brown rice (white rice processes like sugar in your body) or quinoa, oats, eggs, etc. I can still eat meat (praise JESUS!) but I have to keep it as lean as I can, which means little beef.
So, I'm going to lose weight. I have no choice. It's a matter of health and the fact that I'm not supposed to eat all of my go-tos (ice cream, cookies, cheeseburgers, fries, mountain dew, chocolate, etc) is going to force me to re-learn how to manage my stress. Plus, these are the things I usually consume without thinking, so now I'll actually have to think about it. And say no. What a novel fucking idea.
Oh, and one more thing? Detoxing to get all this crap out of your system sucks ass. I had a headache for three hours today and finally got a half a cup of coffee because I'm pretty sure it was because of the lack of caffeine. A girl had some extra Lindor truffles in her desk and they were white chocolate. She doesn't like white chocolate. But I do. I had one. Shortly after the coffee. This was a few hours ago. I can't tell if I'm hungry right now, or if I feel like crap from those things. Dah!!! But, it's 8:00 now and I should probably go make dinner for Adidas and I, so I guess I'll have my answer soon!

The Gems You Find In Las Vegas...

Thank you friends for this photo!

  I'm not saying I won a ton of money, because I didn't... I won enough to get me through the 4 days of debauchery that ensued that weekend.  That in my book is wiiiiiining!

  So Vegas was a blast, and after a full week of recovery, I came back with some great material for this blog.  This is how my weekend in Sin City went...

Thursday : Arrive in Vegas, drink booze, gamble, eat, drink more booze, sleep
Friday: Wake up and drink bloody mary, gamble, drink, eat, drink, Peepshow, gamble, drink, sleep
Saturday: Bloody Mary Round 2, gamble, eat, drink, drink, gamble, dance at club, lose phone, pass out
Sunday: Eat, drink, gamble, drink, drink, eat, gamble, sleep, gamble, drink, eat
Monday: 2am leave a lot of money behind but take all calories consumed home with me!!!


  There's a lot that happened that weekend but i'm only going to talk about one event that is relevant to this blog... What happens in Vegas, sometimes comes home with you to make your ass grow and your dignity shrink....

  On Saturday, my friend Ali (Vegas native) came to pick me up at my hotel so we could head out to a pool party.  We wound up at the Flamingo Hotel because it was free for girls and some local Vegas DJ would be spinning tunes there all day.  Now if you've been reading my blog you will know that i'm not that all comfortable in a bikini quite yet, but my thought of going to a party pool was 'Hey...I don't know these people, so I really don't care how white my ass may be at the moment.'  That was MY THOUGHT...in MY HEAD... but everyone at THAT POOL... heard it.

After purchasing those most overpriced cocktails in my life, Ali and I were able to snag two lounge chairs pool side after taking time for a photo op in front of some red carpet wanna be background.  The music was good, there were people every where, and the local Vegas DJ was announcing that it was time for girls who wanted to be in the Booty Shaking Contest to make their way over to the tent.  Ali and I kind of giggled and continued sipping my money turned alcohol...

I haven't seen her in a while so we did some catching up, talked about her boyfriend, job, weather in Vegas, etc.  And as convos with friends usually do, we started talking about my blog.  I asked her what it's like living in the City of Sin as a girl who's not built like a straw and who's boobs could possibly be about the size of my head.  If I remember correctly (lots of alcohol had been consumed at this point) she said that as long as you strut with confidence it's okay and the guys will still come a runnin'.   She also told me that a friend's mom once said "If you don't like it, tan it."  Vegas Gem #1! When she said that, I paused and pretty much shouted "You're soooo right!"  It always seems to me that when i'm more tan my fat looks more attractive! DUH!  And then my immediate thought was 'so if I get really tan I don't have to work out as much'... like I said... I wasn't thinking clearly at this point due to the $20 souvenir cup o' booze in my hand.

  Then we coined the phrase MORNING SKINNINESS.  Definition: When you wake up in the morning feeling all thin and pretty, you dress in clothes that normally might fit you snuggly.  About 5pm when you get home from work you look at yourself in the mirror and say 'What the hell was I thinking!' ...as you pinch your love handles for fat effect.  We laughed about this, all the while saying that we wish we could stay that thin all day.  Vegas Gem #2!

See my $20 souvenir cup?

  This is when things took an unexpected turn... While so engrossed in our drunken convo I failed to see the local DJ making his rounds asking women to enter the contest.  Next thing I know he's right in front of us.  (Thank god I was laying on my stomach, tanning my back side)  He stops, looks down at us, and says into his mircrophone "Are you ladies going to enter the contest?"  I, not seeing that he had lowered the microphone closer to my big fat mouth, say "Who the hell would want to see my fat white ass shaking around?!"  This is when I heard the echo telling me that this exchange was not just heard by the three of us, but the whole party pool!!!  And to make matters worse the whole party was facing my big white backside...  Great.... juuuuuust great.  To save face, I smiled and took another sip of my Lynchberg Lemonade, (all the while Ali is trying to stifle her laughter), and told him "No thank you."

  Once he walked away laughing and shaking his head, I thanked god that I had indeed done some stiletto workouts before vegas so my legs and butt were looking a little bit trimmer.  I also took his asking as a compliment, since there were a ton of girls there he could have talked to.

In the bushes watching the contest.

Ali and I headed over to the contest shortly after that, just to make sure that we had made the right decision.  We had, thank the heavens, because most of those girls were tall, tan, thin, and pretty (minus the one Canadian girl who probably had enough money to buy 5 of those overpriced souvenir cups) But who am I to judge?  At least she had to cajones to enter the damn the thing! Viva Las Vegas, right?!

After we had had our fill of entertainment and a good laugh at my misfortune, we took our leave, and headed out of party pool area.


Lessons Learned:  #1 - If you don't like it, tan it. #2 - Just because it fits you in the morning doesn't mean it'll fit you that evening. #3 - And always make sure there isn't a microphone by your face when you say something about your big white ass.

  Vegas was great!... but I will not see the City Of Sin again until I get my bikini body and dignity back.  Thank you Ali, for giving me some great material to use, and for not laughing at me to hard. :-)

            




              
        

Just call me Hoover

Because I suck. Seriously. I haven't blogged since like October of last year. And obviously no blogging means no concentrated efforts on getting in shape either.... Well, at least one that isn't round. And you can also call me Hoover because, especially lately, I've been sucking in everything I could find, especially if it's processed, sugar, caffeine, alcohol or fried.

Part of the reason I've slacked off is because I've been too busy being in love. Like "head-over-heels-can't-think-about-anything-but-him-luckiest-girl-in-the-world-i-can't-believe-i've-found-him-and-he-loves-me-just-the-way-i-am-and-it's-amazing-wish-he-would-get-off-work-so-i-can-see-him-because-i-miss-him-and-it's-only-been-a-few-hours" kind of love. It's quite a long story and maybe I'll get into it more later when I have more time, but to make it short, we work at the same place, we had lunch where we talked about facebook, which turned into chatting on facebook, which turned into texting, which turned into drinks, which turned into living together two months later which turned into the absolute LAST thing I ever expected. We'll call him "Adidas" because of the way he "sneakered" his way into my heart. So cheesy, but so true.

Anyway, Adidas and I are at the point where we're comfortable with each other, so we've both put on the "honeymoon 15" if you will. I also recently got promoted so I went from being a server running around everywhere to having a desk job. Granted, I'm not next to the Heaven Box, I mean bread cart, every shift so my calorie intake has been reduced. It's just not reduced enough, especially since my alcohol intake has increased. What can I say? We LOVE bubbly!!

You're probably asking yourself, "Why in the HELL did she get on here? To rub it in my face that she's fat and happy?"

No. That's not my intention. All of this happiness has actually affected my health. I had my gallbladder out ten years ago and since I'm not moving around as much, some of the consequences are starting to become more prevalent in my digestive system, mainly in the form of IBS. It's not pretty. I literally had to go home from work one day last week because I had a gastrointestinal emergency so severe that I didn't QUITE make it ALL the way on the commode and... well... let's just say I had to go home to take another shower and change then come back to work. Embarrassed, party of one? Your table is now available, please!

So, in an effort to get my digestive track (and hourglass figure) back in shape, Adidas and I are on a mission. I got a one night stay at a local hotel and we're using it as a reward for our hard work. Anyone who's ever played me in Scrabble (or any game really....) knows that I LOVE to win. So, Adidas and I are having a competition. We're writing down our current weight and measurements and placing them along with our goals in an envelope. When we have our night at the hotel in a month or so, we're going to open it up and see who either met or exceeded their goals. Whoever "did better" has the upper hand for the evening, if you catch my drift.

I'm really kind of in love with that stiletto workout (especially because I can't wear heels for SHIT) so I may try some of those moves since I don't have a midget handy.....

To Dress Size Up Or Size Down

Still preparing for my Vegas trip here...

   I'll admit that sometimes I spend more money BEFORE my vacation than ON my vacation.  It never fails that my wardrobe is always missing some key items that I just HAVE TO run out and buy (ie, torturous heels, skanky dress, big blingy necklace, etc)  This time it was all of the above, so I headed out to the mall as quickly as my car would take me to find these missing pieces.
  
   Now if anyone is like me, I sometimes dread going into the mall or clothing store with nothing really in mind of what i'm looking for.  Most of the time I hit the dressing room with about 20 different items and return all of them with a big ol' frown on my face because none of them looked fantastic on me.  Then the journey continues to about 5 different stores before I finally give up and head home with my head hung low and my confidence a little worse for the wear. This time I was afraid that it was going to be no exception, so you can believe my surprise when I found the perfect dress at the first stop!

   Yesterday I headed back to the store that I bought my awesome 70's roller disco outfit at in hopes that they would have a Vegas worthy dress.  In about 10 minutes of grabbing just about everything I liked I headed to the torture chamber...I mean dressing room...to see how they sized up.  After tearing a few of them right off and trying not to laugh, I found this cute little strapless and short (well short for me anyways) cocktail dress.
  
   Only problem was that it was just a little too loose for my taste... and this is Vegas we're talking about, so tighter is always better.  One thing I liked about it was that is fit comfortably and I wouldn't have to worry about showing too much T and A.  The only problem is that I know I'd be doing the 'pull up' 'pull down' all night.  ( Dress starts to fall almost to the point of showing some nipple sunrise, so you pull it up.  Dress starts to ride up when you're cutting a rug on the dance floor, so you pull it down)  It's such a pain in ass...
  
   So my solution to this was to try on a size smaller.  Now this time I had to shimmy into the damn thing and not breath for about 30 seconds while I attempted to zip it up.  Once on though, it didn't look that bad.  At this moment I started running through the pros and cons of purchasing THIS size...

Pros:

- If I remember to stand up straight it'll look great
- Because I can barely breathe i'll be less likely to eat the day I have to wear it.
- It's so tight I wouldn't even have to wear a bra!
- Because it's so tight it sucks me in, so I look thinner.
- When I get rid of more weight it'll fit me great!

Cons:

- I won't be able to breathe, eat, or drink.
- If I forget to stand up straight and suck it in, i'll look like a down comforter trying to be shoved back into the original bag.
- It might severely hinder my awesome dance moves that i've been working on.
- Consequently, if said dance moves are attempted, it might just split open revealing by awesomely white ass.
- If I even gain back 5 pounds there isn't a chance in hell i'll be able to ever wear it again.

  In the end, the pros won out the cons, and I bought the smaller size.  In order to make sure it fits perfect, i'm wearing this awesome tummy and butt-sucker -inner thingy I bought a while ago (Thanks Dr. Oz).  This way I don't have to worry about standing up straight, sucking it in, or my ass being exposed at any point.

Lesson learned:  Sometimes buying the smaller size is the better option.  Just make sure it's not too small lest you look like this: