That's it. My body hates me

I'm convinced that there is a war room in my body somewhere. It's a dark, humid place where all of the worst parts of me congregate. My sugar addiction picks up my anxiety on the way to the gluten intolerance's house where they all cram into my bloodstream to ride their way into my brain. When they get there, I picture the conversation going something like this:
Brain: "Ok, bitches! Let's call this meeting to order! How can we fuck her up now?"
Sugar addiction: "Cravings! Lots and lots of cravings! Cravings EVERYWHERE!"
Brain: "Good! What should we make her crave?"
Gluten intolerance: "I know! I've been lonely! How about we get together with the carb loaders? Mmmm, flour tortillas and white buns. Yummy!"
Anxiety: "I like that idea. It'll give me some action too!"
Brain: "These are all great suggestions, but we've tried them all. She's still just a stubborn bitch who just does what she wants until she can't. Remember when we threw all those stones into the gallbladder so she had to take it out? But she didn't have insurance so she had to wait like a year? That was awesome! We need something like that!"
Well, they've figured it out. My jaw is now screwed. I started going to the chiropractor because I was having really bad tension headaches. With the job I have now, I sit most of the day and my neck has been moving forward and getting gradually worse. So, I went to get it fixed. Unfortunately, during the treatment for my neck, it jacked up my jaw even worse. I've always had problems with it (popping, etc.) but it never got in my way. Now, it's so bad that I can't chew.

Hold up girl! Did you just say you can't chew???

Yes, I can't chew. The only teeth that will go together are my front teeth. I can't open my mouth very wide and if I can't swallow it or mash it with my tongue, I can't eat it (get your minds out of the gutter! This is a serious issue!) So, I've been drinking a lot of smoothies and eating soft food and if I do make the valiant attempt to eat somewhat solid food, it takes me 9x as long. My hair and nails look like absolute crap and I know i'm not getting enough nutrition. Plus on top of that, I went off my antidepressants 2-3 weeks ago (I went on them a few years ago when two of my grandparents were dying and there was a lot of transition going on in my life and I don't want to be on them forever,) so that combined with this, I'm all jacked up. All of this combined with it taking FOREVER to close on our house has turned me into a big stress and anxiety ball.
I know you're thinking, "Ok, we get it, Muffin Top. What the f--- does this have to do with this blog?" I watched a documentary called "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead" a few months ago and the idea of juicing has stuck with me ever since. The boyfriend (we'll call him Vlad) and I have talked about getting a juicer for awhile. Now with all of my jaw issues, it seems to be a more pressing issue. But I wanted him to do it with me and, let me tell you, he is 100% man and he has the stubborn streak to go with it. Well, last night, I was FINALLY able to convince him to watch this documentary with me. At first he was like, "Yeah, whatever. I'll watch it because you want me to watch it." I shit you not, we were less than an hour into it before he started researching juicers on his phone!

Some of the benefits of juicing are:
*Detoxified liver (and the good Lord knows I've given mine a beating)
*Healthy skin, hair and nails
*More energy
*Improved brain function
*Improved heart function
*Slowing down the aging process
*Improved joint function – helping with arthritis
*Less disease-prone body environment. Acidic environments breed diseases.
*Better digestion
and of course WEIGHT LOSS!

So, since the purpose of this blog is to try out various diets and report their findings, that's what I'm doing. We should have our juicer hopefully sometime this week and I'll let you know how it's going What I'm really hoping to get out of the whole thing is: a clearer mind, less pounds, more energy, stronger hair and nails, and reduced cravings for sweets and breads and salty food.

Damn, now I want pizza.

Why Weight Till Monday? ™: Is It Wrong To Lose Weight For A Man?

Why Weight Till Monday? ™: Is It Wrong To Lose Weight For A Man?:     We may have all said this to our friends and ourselves at some point "I don't need to lose weight for anyone but myself!"  However what ...

Is It Wrong To Lose Weight For A Man?

    We may have all said this to our friends and ourselves at some point "I don't need to lose weight for anyone but myself!"  However what we really might be thinking is 'That hot guy i've had my eyes on forever would never date a girl that looks like me! I need to lose weight so he might look in my direction... *sigh*'

  I wanted to weigh in on what women these days are really losing weight for... Is it because of media stereotypes on what we should look like?  Is it because we want to feel better about how we look for ourselves or for other people?  Or is it just because we're told that its good to diet and exercise?

  Last night I posted that I needed a hot male to come over and cook me dinner with his shirt off.  I was totally joking of course but I was actually surprised that that led to a 2 hour long messaging session with one of the hottest guys i've ever had the pleasure of laying eyes on!  He's a personal trainer, actor, and model... *sigh* I haven't seen him in years and I caught myself thinking 'If he only knew what I looked like now he would sooooo not be interested!'  And because I know that he's a personal trainer I was completely candid about ummm fat concerns.

  He said not only would we have dinner but that he would take me for a ride on his motorcycle... Thank god this was just a Facebook chat because I laughed so hard at the thought of me getting on that bike and tipping it over!!!  The funny thing was that I totally told him this and he just laughed. (What a good sport)...  When it came down to picking the date for our date I told him to call me in a couple of weeks... he asked why, and I told him that my reason for the long delay was so that way i could drop a few pounds! LMAO! (or at least hide them with one of those fad diets I hate... you drop 10 pounds in two weeks, and the minute you stop the diet those pounds come flying back at you like metal to a magnet!)

  You might be thinking to yourself 'I would never say those kinds of things to a guy!'... well and if anyone knows me, they know I have no shame and complete candor in these kinds of situations...

  Back to my original topic... Is it wrong to WANT to lose weight for someone else?  I think 'no'... and my reason for this is that YOU are the one losing the weight to get what YOU want.  Plain and simple... so it is really about YOU!  So what if your flimsy excuse for it is a man, or that dress you've always wanted, or that 3 months of summer that we all hate because we know it means we have to bear more skin... who cares!?!?  If its those things that drive you, then I say DO IT!

New Year Resolution Fail

(Why the hell has this blog been so hard to start!  I've literally had this screen on my laptop for 3 days now, not knowing how I should begin...)

   For those of you who have read a couple of the blogs you would know that I harp on procrastination pretty hard, and that it seems to be a central theme a lot of the time.  So just to make my life a little bit harder this year I made a resolution that actually scared the size 10-12 pants off of me.  This year I will not procrastinate.  (It causes physical pain to even say it.)  However, I did give myself a little bit of a loop hole.  I (not surprisingly) set this goal with more a financial, business, get my life in order, career wise kind of theme.  Working out and eating healthy was sooooo not even a thought that crossed my mind.  That, in my book, is not good, because it comes with the thought process of having given up.

  Now in all respect I have shed 10 pounds in the last 2 months and I have no idea how... Its not like I did anything different other than stressing about things that were going on in my life.  However, now that I sit here with a normal amount of life stress I see myself falling back into the routine of "I lost 10 pounds and now its time to put it back on by making excuses as to why I can go get a hamburger and fries instead of making a salad."  Does anyone else ever do this?  You shed 2 pounds then shove a Chalupa in your face?  I am a frequent offender of this thought process and pay for it every time I step on my scale and see that number soar to high heights!  And believe me, Sucking in your stomach does not make that number go down.  Nor does holding up you boobs... because if you're like me, I believe those girls should not count to my total weight. 

  Towards the end of December a thought hit me...why do we constantly set resolutions, knowing that from past experience 99% of the time we fail to complete them?  Is there a way to set a resolution at the beginning of the year that has some fool proof method?  This thought intrigued me so I did some research on the matter.

  What I found is that you have to 1) Set a goal 2) Ask yourself whether or not its measurable and attainable 3) Take it one small bite at a time.

  Number 3 is key to resolution setting success.  We often set a goal and just focus on it as a whole, therefore becoming overwhealmed by it and eventually quit.  Now when I say 'one small bite at a time', i'm not talking about that chocolate cake at your friends birthday party or those pink frosted Valentine's day cupcakes that are sure to make their way into our kitchens at some point. I'm talking about setting small goals with a time limit within the 'Big Picture Goal.'  Example.. (we'll use mine) I have until the end of February to get my business license and open a bank account under that name.  I have until the end of March to get my Website up and running.  When I set these smaller goals, getting my life in order financially doesn't seem like a such a tall order!  Doing this with physical goals is just as easy...

  Once I established that I had essentially not given my weight loss a second thought at the beginning of the year, I set a goal around it.  By the end of January I have to have completed 6 workouts using my brand spanking new copy of Jillian Michaels Ab Workout DVD, and have run at least twice.  It may not seem like a lot to most people, but knowing what my failure rate has been in the past, this is a good start.  Next month i'll up the ante a little bit by throwing in shopping twice a week at Fresh & Easy and Trader Joe's for organic whole foods, therefore, lowering the amount of time I find myself at Taco Bell ordering that damn #9 with a laughable Diet Pepsi.

  Next blog i'll go into more detail about products you can use to help facilitate your goals.  I also want to start doing more videos demonstrating workout DVDs, diets, and excercises so you the reader can make the best decision on what works for you.  And yes, I promise from now on the blogs will be far more entertaining and humorous!

Happy Dieting!

Video Blog Numero Uno!

I know what you're thinking... 2 blogs in one day!? Truth be told i've been sitting on this video for about 2 months now, and as of today I was sick of attempting to figure out how to fix it, re-work it, etc... So I just decided to dive right in and post the damn thing.

It's just a compilation of the funnies clips from the night my friend and I decided to drink.... aaaaand then decided it would be a good idea to work out. It really would have worked better if it was the other way around. I know this... So in the following video you'll see why it doesn't work to drink and workout... enjoy!

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Bikini? Yes Indeedy!

Yes, I am aware that the title on this blog is cheesy.  Ask me if I care...

So where to start?  (I'm just letting you know that my cursor has been blinking at me for the last 5 minutes at this point...)

3 weeks ago I signed on to do this 90 day goal setting program, and as a coach I also have to set a goal to work on for the 90 days.  The goal, you may ask, was of course a fitness goal.  My end result to prove that i've been working on it?  To post a picture of me in a bikini here on this blog for the whole world to see!  (And there can be no photoshopping of any kind, nor spray tanned abs.)  Needless to say my butt muscles clenched a little when I said this out loud to my coaching group...  First step to getting a goal: Tell everyone  so they can hold you to it, right? Crap.

So now i'm telling everyone that happens to run across this blog too... Why?  Because I want to keep my butt muscles clenched so I actually get it done and look fab (not flab) come 3 months from now.

Now on to my regimen:  I'm going to start by downloading this awesome nutrition plan (phase 1) from LiveFitRevolution.com.  It's a 6 week nutrition plan that gets rid of a ton of weight!  I watched my mom go through this program so i've seen the results.  This is no time to mess around with fad diets.  I'm grabbing this goal by the horns and riding it all the way to the skinny and fit finish line people!  Also on this website they have videos that you can follow working with a kettlebell. Done and done!

I'm also working on posting at least 3 video blogs in the 90 days as well...  The first one is going to be a rough cut so excuse the sloppiness of it all.  Here's just a hint of what it in-tells... Drinking- How its not a good idea when you are working out.

FML

Seriously, I hate my body at the moment.

For the first time in my life, it's not because "I'm totally having a fat day so instead of doing something about it, I'm going to drown my sorrows in a Western Bacon Cheeseburger, fried zucchini with two containers of ranch and a Nestea Raspberry Iced Tea and pick up a pint of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food to watch while I watch Golden Girls alone night" (consuming 1450 calories, 80 grams of fat, 143 carbs and 2730 grams of sodium with dinner and 1120 calories, 52 grams of fat, 148 carbs and 340 mg of sodium while sitting on my fat ass later that evening).

I hate it because I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing and my body isn't doing what it's supposed to be doing. If you read my last post, you saw that I'm supposed to cut out gluten and sugar and sugar substitutes, etc, etc, etc. So, I've been doing that. I only jacked up once and went to Taco Bell. I had just gotten done working out and was CRAVING a burrito. Like MAD craving. I had to run to the store to get a couple of things and there was a Taco Bell on the way. Soooo, I decided to test this whole gluten theory AND fulfill my craving. Bad idea. Within an hour, I was feeling even more bloated than I had been earlier that day. I thought that would be almost impossible.

I hate it because I've been doing the right things. I haven't been using any artificial sweeteners or processed sugar and I've been ingesting minimal raw sugar. I've been eating low fat. I haven't been eating gluten. I've been making dinner at home and I feel like a fucking rabbit because I eat tons of salads with dressing on the side where I dip my fork in so I get minimal calories. I've been eating the Activia. I've been taking Benefiber (3x a day when I remember, but at least twice). I've been drinking tons of water. I pee like twelve times a day. But for the love of all that is holy, I can't poo like I used to! I'm still so backed up. Today was the first day that I was able to poo three times. I feel like going out and buying a lottery ticket!

I've been working out as well. I'm lucky enough to have a gym and spa at my work that I have access to. I'm thinking of becoming a regular in the steam room with all the old hags with too much money and nothing better to do. I've been parking further away and taking the stairs. I've been doing what I can.

Even after the religious experiences I had on the throne today, I still feel so bloated. This is one of the signs of gluten intolerance AND IBS. Greeeaaaat. This is one of the reasons I went to the doctor in the first place. It usually takes two weeks to see some relief from gluten intolerance and I'm a week in. So, this is good. But, why all the anger at my body, you're probably asking?

After all this crap (or, rather, not?), and after SOME relief, I still haven't lost any weight. After ALL the salads, all the fruit, all the vegetables, all the homemade crab salad, all the lowfat pad thai, no bread, no ice cream, no cookies, no french fries, no cheeseburgers, no soda, no fruit punch, no Crystal Light, no mac and cheese, no alfredo pasta, no pizza, no frozen custard even though there is a Culver's next door.

I'm hoping those blood tests come back that I have something wrong and that the doctors can fix. I dunno. Maybe I ate a watermelon seed and I have one growing in my belly. Maybe I accidentally ingested a parasite that has grown into an alligator. Maybe I have a weird biological glitch that causes the air I breathe to turn into sugar. Son. Of. A. Bitch.