The Gems You Find In Las Vegas...

Thank you friends for this photo!

  I'm not saying I won a ton of money, because I didn't... I won enough to get me through the 4 days of debauchery that ensued that weekend.  That in my book is wiiiiiining!

  So Vegas was a blast, and after a full week of recovery, I came back with some great material for this blog.  This is how my weekend in Sin City went...

Thursday : Arrive in Vegas, drink booze, gamble, eat, drink more booze, sleep
Friday: Wake up and drink bloody mary, gamble, drink, eat, drink, Peepshow, gamble, drink, sleep
Saturday: Bloody Mary Round 2, gamble, eat, drink, drink, gamble, dance at club, lose phone, pass out
Sunday: Eat, drink, gamble, drink, drink, eat, gamble, sleep, gamble, drink, eat
Monday: 2am leave a lot of money behind but take all calories consumed home with me!!!


  There's a lot that happened that weekend but i'm only going to talk about one event that is relevant to this blog... What happens in Vegas, sometimes comes home with you to make your ass grow and your dignity shrink....

  On Saturday, my friend Ali (Vegas native) came to pick me up at my hotel so we could head out to a pool party.  We wound up at the Flamingo Hotel because it was free for girls and some local Vegas DJ would be spinning tunes there all day.  Now if you've been reading my blog you will know that i'm not that all comfortable in a bikini quite yet, but my thought of going to a party pool was 'Hey...I don't know these people, so I really don't care how white my ass may be at the moment.'  That was MY THOUGHT...in MY HEAD... but everyone at THAT POOL... heard it.

After purchasing those most overpriced cocktails in my life, Ali and I were able to snag two lounge chairs pool side after taking time for a photo op in front of some red carpet wanna be background.  The music was good, there were people every where, and the local Vegas DJ was announcing that it was time for girls who wanted to be in the Booty Shaking Contest to make their way over to the tent.  Ali and I kind of giggled and continued sipping my money turned alcohol...

I haven't seen her in a while so we did some catching up, talked about her boyfriend, job, weather in Vegas, etc.  And as convos with friends usually do, we started talking about my blog.  I asked her what it's like living in the City of Sin as a girl who's not built like a straw and who's boobs could possibly be about the size of my head.  If I remember correctly (lots of alcohol had been consumed at this point) she said that as long as you strut with confidence it's okay and the guys will still come a runnin'.   She also told me that a friend's mom once said "If you don't like it, tan it."  Vegas Gem #1! When she said that, I paused and pretty much shouted "You're soooo right!"  It always seems to me that when i'm more tan my fat looks more attractive! DUH!  And then my immediate thought was 'so if I get really tan I don't have to work out as much'... like I said... I wasn't thinking clearly at this point due to the $20 souvenir cup o' booze in my hand.

  Then we coined the phrase MORNING SKINNINESS.  Definition: When you wake up in the morning feeling all thin and pretty, you dress in clothes that normally might fit you snuggly.  About 5pm when you get home from work you look at yourself in the mirror and say 'What the hell was I thinking!' ...as you pinch your love handles for fat effect.  We laughed about this, all the while saying that we wish we could stay that thin all day.  Vegas Gem #2!

See my $20 souvenir cup?

  This is when things took an unexpected turn... While so engrossed in our drunken convo I failed to see the local DJ making his rounds asking women to enter the contest.  Next thing I know he's right in front of us.  (Thank god I was laying on my stomach, tanning my back side)  He stops, looks down at us, and says into his mircrophone "Are you ladies going to enter the contest?"  I, not seeing that he had lowered the microphone closer to my big fat mouth, say "Who the hell would want to see my fat white ass shaking around?!"  This is when I heard the echo telling me that this exchange was not just heard by the three of us, but the whole party pool!!!  And to make matters worse the whole party was facing my big white backside...  Great.... juuuuuust great.  To save face, I smiled and took another sip of my Lynchberg Lemonade, (all the while Ali is trying to stifle her laughter), and told him "No thank you."

  Once he walked away laughing and shaking his head, I thanked god that I had indeed done some stiletto workouts before vegas so my legs and butt were looking a little bit trimmer.  I also took his asking as a compliment, since there were a ton of girls there he could have talked to.

In the bushes watching the contest.

Ali and I headed over to the contest shortly after that, just to make sure that we had made the right decision.  We had, thank the heavens, because most of those girls were tall, tan, thin, and pretty (minus the one Canadian girl who probably had enough money to buy 5 of those overpriced souvenir cups) But who am I to judge?  At least she had to cajones to enter the damn the thing! Viva Las Vegas, right?!

After we had had our fill of entertainment and a good laugh at my misfortune, we took our leave, and headed out of party pool area.


Lessons Learned:  #1 - If you don't like it, tan it. #2 - Just because it fits you in the morning doesn't mean it'll fit you that evening. #3 - And always make sure there isn't a microphone by your face when you say something about your big white ass.

  Vegas was great!... but I will not see the City Of Sin again until I get my bikini body and dignity back.  Thank you Ali, for giving me some great material to use, and for not laughing at me to hard. :-)

            




              
        

Just call me Hoover

Because I suck. Seriously. I haven't blogged since like October of last year. And obviously no blogging means no concentrated efforts on getting in shape either.... Well, at least one that isn't round. And you can also call me Hoover because, especially lately, I've been sucking in everything I could find, especially if it's processed, sugar, caffeine, alcohol or fried.

Part of the reason I've slacked off is because I've been too busy being in love. Like "head-over-heels-can't-think-about-anything-but-him-luckiest-girl-in-the-world-i-can't-believe-i've-found-him-and-he-loves-me-just-the-way-i-am-and-it's-amazing-wish-he-would-get-off-work-so-i-can-see-him-because-i-miss-him-and-it's-only-been-a-few-hours" kind of love. It's quite a long story and maybe I'll get into it more later when I have more time, but to make it short, we work at the same place, we had lunch where we talked about facebook, which turned into chatting on facebook, which turned into texting, which turned into drinks, which turned into living together two months later which turned into the absolute LAST thing I ever expected. We'll call him "Adidas" because of the way he "sneakered" his way into my heart. So cheesy, but so true.

Anyway, Adidas and I are at the point where we're comfortable with each other, so we've both put on the "honeymoon 15" if you will. I also recently got promoted so I went from being a server running around everywhere to having a desk job. Granted, I'm not next to the Heaven Box, I mean bread cart, every shift so my calorie intake has been reduced. It's just not reduced enough, especially since my alcohol intake has increased. What can I say? We LOVE bubbly!!

You're probably asking yourself, "Why in the HELL did she get on here? To rub it in my face that she's fat and happy?"

No. That's not my intention. All of this happiness has actually affected my health. I had my gallbladder out ten years ago and since I'm not moving around as much, some of the consequences are starting to become more prevalent in my digestive system, mainly in the form of IBS. It's not pretty. I literally had to go home from work one day last week because I had a gastrointestinal emergency so severe that I didn't QUITE make it ALL the way on the commode and... well... let's just say I had to go home to take another shower and change then come back to work. Embarrassed, party of one? Your table is now available, please!

So, in an effort to get my digestive track (and hourglass figure) back in shape, Adidas and I are on a mission. I got a one night stay at a local hotel and we're using it as a reward for our hard work. Anyone who's ever played me in Scrabble (or any game really....) knows that I LOVE to win. So, Adidas and I are having a competition. We're writing down our current weight and measurements and placing them along with our goals in an envelope. When we have our night at the hotel in a month or so, we're going to open it up and see who either met or exceeded their goals. Whoever "did better" has the upper hand for the evening, if you catch my drift.

I'm really kind of in love with that stiletto workout (especially because I can't wear heels for SHIT) so I may try some of those moves since I don't have a midget handy.....

To Dress Size Up Or Size Down

Still preparing for my Vegas trip here...

   I'll admit that sometimes I spend more money BEFORE my vacation than ON my vacation.  It never fails that my wardrobe is always missing some key items that I just HAVE TO run out and buy (ie, torturous heels, skanky dress, big blingy necklace, etc)  This time it was all of the above, so I headed out to the mall as quickly as my car would take me to find these missing pieces.
  
   Now if anyone is like me, I sometimes dread going into the mall or clothing store with nothing really in mind of what i'm looking for.  Most of the time I hit the dressing room with about 20 different items and return all of them with a big ol' frown on my face because none of them looked fantastic on me.  Then the journey continues to about 5 different stores before I finally give up and head home with my head hung low and my confidence a little worse for the wear. This time I was afraid that it was going to be no exception, so you can believe my surprise when I found the perfect dress at the first stop!

   Yesterday I headed back to the store that I bought my awesome 70's roller disco outfit at in hopes that they would have a Vegas worthy dress.  In about 10 minutes of grabbing just about everything I liked I headed to the torture chamber...I mean dressing room...to see how they sized up.  After tearing a few of them right off and trying not to laugh, I found this cute little strapless and short (well short for me anyways) cocktail dress.
  
   Only problem was that it was just a little too loose for my taste... and this is Vegas we're talking about, so tighter is always better.  One thing I liked about it was that is fit comfortably and I wouldn't have to worry about showing too much T and A.  The only problem is that I know I'd be doing the 'pull up' 'pull down' all night.  ( Dress starts to fall almost to the point of showing some nipple sunrise, so you pull it up.  Dress starts to ride up when you're cutting a rug on the dance floor, so you pull it down)  It's such a pain in ass...
  
   So my solution to this was to try on a size smaller.  Now this time I had to shimmy into the damn thing and not breath for about 30 seconds while I attempted to zip it up.  Once on though, it didn't look that bad.  At this moment I started running through the pros and cons of purchasing THIS size...

Pros:

- If I remember to stand up straight it'll look great
- Because I can barely breathe i'll be less likely to eat the day I have to wear it.
- It's so tight I wouldn't even have to wear a bra!
- Because it's so tight it sucks me in, so I look thinner.
- When I get rid of more weight it'll fit me great!

Cons:

- I won't be able to breathe, eat, or drink.
- If I forget to stand up straight and suck it in, i'll look like a down comforter trying to be shoved back into the original bag.
- It might severely hinder my awesome dance moves that i've been working on.
- Consequently, if said dance moves are attempted, it might just split open revealing by awesomely white ass.
- If I even gain back 5 pounds there isn't a chance in hell i'll be able to ever wear it again.

  In the end, the pros won out the cons, and I bought the smaller size.  In order to make sure it fits perfect, i'm wearing this awesome tummy and butt-sucker -inner thingy I bought a while ago (Thanks Dr. Oz).  This way I don't have to worry about standing up straight, sucking it in, or my ass being exposed at any point.

Lesson learned:  Sometimes buying the smaller size is the better option.  Just make sure it's not too small lest you look like this:

 
  

Boob Aerobics and Stiletto Workouts

If that title didn't catch your attention I don't know what will....

I don't even remember taking this.

    My trip to vegas is looming ahead of me and i've done little to prepare...story of my life.  When some people think of Vegas it's of good times, drinking until you don't know where you are at anymore, dancing at clubs, meeting interesting people, gambling, pool parties, and stuffing your face with some of the most exquisite food in the world.   When I think of Vegas I think 'OMG I have to get into a bathing suit?!',  'What the hell can I fit into that's Vegas worthy'?! ' I know these shoes are going to kill my feet but i'm wearing them anyways!' 'I hope Tom Selleck is here again, so I won't talk to him and just stare at him from behind a bush in the Bellagio lobby.' And 'If i'm paying $30 for this buffet i'm eating every penny worth!!!'


  Let's face it.... Las Vegas is full of good looking people and the clubs are where you go to see and be seen.  So while I was rampaging through my closet looking for classy *cough slutty cough* attire, a thought occurred to me... Vegas is all about showing your best assets, right?  And to most girls its all about the T and A.  So in some kind of frenzy I found two workouts that target both of those areas!

Workout #1:  The Stiletto Workout

  This is offered at certain alternative gyms and even on DVD.  The main objective is to target your legs and butt by doing weight lifting and cardio in non other than your tallest set of heels!  My thought is 'Why the hell would you want to make going to the gym even more of chore!' (My feet are not heel friendly so I wear them as little as possible)  But apparently its all the rage in beach cities all over southern california, with attendees including all those skinny blonde OC housewives with wedding rings the size of golfballs and boobs bigger than my head.  Most of the places that offer this class also offer pole dancing lessons, and burlesque style workouts.

  So with all my research done on this workout, I thought I would give it a shot.  So with one week left to go before Vegas i'm going to strap on those expensive torture devises and get my workout on.

Workout #2:  Boob Aerobics

  This, unfortunately, is also not a joke.  I came across an article while researching the Stiletto Workout about a gym in London called Gymbox that offers Boob Aerobics. After I dried the tears that were pouring out of my eyes from laughing so hard, I read the entire article twice!  I just couldn't believe it!  This gym is by all standards veeeeeery alternative and also offers Rave Dancing Classes and sometimes uses little people as weights. WTF?!
  This workout focuses on the chest area (duh) and uses very standard methods for woman to achieve their...ummm...goal.  Woman who have taken Boob Aerobics swear by it!  They say that on average they gained a breast size and now have higher firmer ta tas.  Seeing as how i'm just fine with mine, I think i'm going to skip this particular workout.  Last thing I want is bigger knockers.  If anything I want to find a workout to make them magically shrink so that those cute flow-y tops won't make me look pregnant anymore.

I'll let everyone know if I see some drastic results in the week ahead or if I curse the men who made these god forsaken things and throw them all away.  Ta ta for now!

I'm going to leave you with a video about the Gymbox Little People Workout. lol