A Coronation, A Curb?

Whatuuuuup?!  Ok, it's been awhile.  I suck.  I've been busy.  Fire me.  I'm sure at some point I'll get to where I've been, but here's the latest in my never ending saga of food.
Yesterday was my official coronation.  I got my first crown!  Unfortunately (but fortunately?) it's in my mouth.  I mean, who would want to wear one of those things on your head?  I'm sure they're heavy and awkward with all those jewels and frankly, anyone who even wears a tiara looks like a teenage girl getting ready for prom or her quinceanera.
Have you seen anything about the tongue patch?  It's ridiculous.  Here's a link to the original article I saw about it.  Basically, a plastic surgeon sews a patch to your tongue with sutures that deliberately stuck up so the roof of your mouth gets poked and it's uncomfortable to eat.  It's one of the dumbest things I've ever seen, but now, I kinda get it.
Since my teeth are so small (the ONLY place that can be described that way on my body...) the dentist decided to create a gold crown instead of a porcelain one.  It's smooth and shiny and I feel like a total badass with it.  I don't have any track marks or gunshot wound scars or a fifteen year old to show for making it out of Palmdale alive, so at least now I gots me the beginnings of a 'grill!'
Anyway, getting used to it is a little pain in the ass.  It's not a natural tooth and the grooves line up, but it's a little bit bigger than my molar was so I can feel it when I chew which is a deterrent to chew which frankly is a good thing considering if I'm chewing I have food in my mouth and when there is food in my mouth, there's a pretty good chance it's not a vegetable. If I had been born with the same affinity for celery I have for chocolate, I wouldn't be writing this right now.

So, there are a couple of different outcomes I can see from this...

1. I ignore it.  I keep going on my usual habits and keep being disgusted with myself and I keep saying 'one day I'll get healthy' and then never do.
2. I eat soft foods.  Except soft foods in my world are ice cream and mashed potatoes and yogurt.  All dairy, all fatty (and yet all so damn delicious!)
3. I avoid eating except when absolutely necessary.  Which is a good thing.  The less food, the less calories, the less of me.  When I do eat, it's fresh fruit and vegetables and get some of the cravings for the starchy foods get under control.

Because seriously, these things are out of control.  A friend of mine is down 100 pounds since June 24th.  She is such an incredible inspiration and I am so proud and jealous of her.  I want people to be proud and jealous of me!

I'll keep you updated and let you know what happens.  And you can figure out how many ways to tell me how proud and jealous you are of me.

Tight Pants And Punishment

Miss Procrastinate here....

You know when you put on those pair of pants that you refer to in your head as your 'ol' faithfuls'?  Those pants that could have been a stunt double in 'The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants'?  Those pants that always fit no matter how many cupcakes you ate?  Ya... Those pants failed me today... 

This summer a Bear Foxtrot and I did the dream diet and dropped a ton of weight... I was happy... the birds were chirping, rainbows were everywhere, and I couldn't have felt better about life.  But then, as always, the excuses for bad food choices and lazy behavior crept back in along with an extra 15 pounds.  So here I sit... disgusted with myself and the part of my stomach that is currently hanging over my jeans.  2 months ago I looked in the mirror and knew that I looked awesome from every angle... and when I was blow drying my hair and my towel would drop, I would just leave it on the floor...because I was a specimen to be admired.  Now when I blow dry my hair I have every hair clip holding that towel in place lest it fall and I have to see the last 2 months of mexican food, pizza, cupcakes, cookies, and wine.

It's even affected my mood, and my poor boyfriend is not immune.  The other day I told him that i value honesty over anything in this world, and that I always want him to be honest with me.  (Trap Setting For Men 101) He of course agreed just like I knew he would...  My next question to him was if i've gained a lot of weight and looked fat.  (This was me setting the motherlode of all traps, and he knew it)  Poor guy...  His answer was genius... "I like the way your butt looks"... I should have known he wouldn't fall for it, damn it!  Needless to say i've turned into a fat, over-emotional, walking time bomb.

Don't get me wrong... I love curves, curvy women, and anyone with an hour glass shape.  I even love my curves!  I just don't like it when they jiggle, spill over, and start to resemble a comforter shoved back into the original packaging. 

A couple of weeks ago my room mate came home with this version of the Insanity workout that only takes about 20 minutes.  We said that we are going to wake up every morning and do the workout before we get ready for work.  I was stoked!  I finally had a sister in arms!  Someone to keep me accountable and wake my ass up in the morning!....Ya... it's still sitting in the same place on our entertainment center untouched by either of us.  I blame it on my hangover in the mornings due to the fact we are making a wine bottle christmas tree this year.

Where did my motivation go?!  I need to find it, and fast!  If anyone has any tips to find motivation please share them with me!  I'll do anything at this point so i'm not ringing in the new year with extra large love handles and a piss poor disposition.