Pilates and F-Bombs

So if you read my last blog you'll know that Bear Fox Trot (good friend...shall remain nameless because i'm scared of how hard she'll punch me) and I are both on the HCG diet and currently on day 9. I'm here to tell you what happened on day 8.

I always knew Ja..uuummm Bear Fox Trot has never been adverse to cursing occasionally.  I'll admit it... I curse in the the heat of moment, if I stub my toe, or if the top scoop from my Cold Stone ice cream cone falls to the floor.  Last night on the other hand BFT was in true form.

The other day when she was over we planned to do something light like Pilates so that way we go from flab to fab.  When you're on this diet it is recommended that you DO NOT do any strenuous exercises. (Besides the boring meals, are you starting to see why I chose this diet?)  Anyways... Our concern is tightening up because with this type of accelerated weight loss you may be thin... but at our age things will start to let gravity take over.  I refuse to be the quintessential cartoon strip of a woman with her boobs resting in the shopping cart where the baby should be.

BFT arrived at my house promptly at 5pm and before I could even utter the words 'Want to just watch TV?', she was already changing for our first workout.  With the coffee table shoved to one side and the barstools stacked, I dusted off my old DVD copy of Winsor Pilates and got down to business.  I let BFK watch the intro because she had never ever done Pilates and needed to learn about her 'Power House' and the right breathing techniques. I guess somewhere in that intro she heard to breathe in slowly through the nose and exhale with a curse.  Let me show you an example of BFK's colorful conversation with my TV.


Skinny Pilates Chick: (While we were laying on the floor) "Slowly raise your legs to a 45 degree angle...  now raise your arms parallel to the floor and lift your head... raise your legs straight up in the air with your toes pointing up to the ceiling...aaand back down to just inches off the floor... now repeat"

(This is all I heard because BFK's colorful language made me see rainbows)

BFK: "Are you F@$#ing kidding me?! F*#% OFF!"  She then rolls over and reenacts something that looked like the mermaid dance from 'Pitch Perfect.'

Skinny Pilates Chick: "Now sit up and curl into a tight ball with your hands hugging your ankles... Now roll back.... aaaaaand roll back up."

BFK: "WTF! I can't get back up!.... F%$# OFF lady!"

ME: Dying from laughing... and trying not to fart as I roll back up.

My dear friend set a new record: DVD-20 min   Bear Fox Trot: 24 F-Bombs

Masks that are totally worth 69 cents.

Let me tell you though.... it didn't end there.  While we were cooling down and waiting for The Bachelorette to start, BFK continued to cuss at every commercial for fast food, sit down restaurants, and anything food related that came on.  I thought the 69 cent vitamin C masks I bought for us would calm her down... nope.  For the next 4 hours the language ensued.  The only time she used cussing for purposes other than yelling at the Olive Garden commercial was when Desiree gave out the final rose.






That's the down side about this diet... you almost feel like another person while you're on it.  You smell cookie boxes at the grocery store, you cuss out food commercials and well meaning fitness ladies, and lick the screen of your phone when a friend posts this on Instagram.

Photo Credit: P Doublin

The HCG Diet And Licking Sugar Cookies

This is my second bout with this diet and i'm going to be honest... There is a lot to love and hate about it.  If you don't know what it is, here's the low down: Take the HCG drops 3 times a day and only eat 500 calories a day for 3 weeks.  Then for another 3 weeks after that NO SUGAR and NO BREAD.  There are a TON of food restrictions so that way you can get down to weighing less than a ton.  That's the diet in a nutshell.  And if you scroll down to my last blog I posted you'll see that the last time I posted ANYTHING was the last time I was on this diet!  Horrible... but moving on...

The first time I did this diet over a year ago I was in hell.  I was working in a restaurant and had to smell all the yummy goodness I couldn't eat 5 days a week.  The one thing that kept me from sticking my face straight into a fondue pot full of cheese was the fact that every day I got up and weighed myself, I was 2lbs less than the day before.  Overall I lost 15lbs.  You may ask, "If you lost that much weight back then why are are you doing it again?"  Well let me tell you... I thought to myself that since i'm thin and happy now I can eat whatever I want.  Any fat that was left in my body multiplied at the speed of light with that thought, and came back with a vengeance this summer.

So here I am again... whenever I tell people what the diet consists of they either say i'm either out of my mind or the diet must be horrible for me. Yadda yadda yadda... I don't care. I literally just got rid of 9 pounds in 6 days.  Find me another diet that makes me lose weight this fast!  Thank god i'm not the only one doing this right now either... Bear Fox Trot is in the fox hole with me too on this thing so it's nice to have some support.

My Dinner

My Lunch

Salsa is your friend on this diet.

This diet comes with a lot of challenges.  Like I said before there are a ton of food restrictions.  My meals consist of spinach with lemon and pepper under grilled chicken with some spices added.  Or crab with cucumbers and salsa. Nowadays my shopping list has decreased to only buying about 7 items when I go to the grocery store.  The other day I found myself running past the wine and liquor isle. If I had stopped for even a second you would have found me sitting on the floor drinking straight out of a chardonnay bottle like a baby.  That's right NO ALCOHOL.

Food that fell from heaven...

Not to mention that in that same shopping trip I got caught doing something a lot of people might think odd.  In order to get to the produce section at the grocery store I have to walk through the bakery.  My vice (along with a many other things) is those damn sugar cookies.  You know the ones that look like they fell straight out of Channing Tatum's gorgeous abs?  Ya those ones.  So i'm walking by minding my own business when I look over and see them sitting there so innocently... Any sane person would have kept walking to healthy haven.  What do I do? Pick up a box and smell them.  That's right... I smelled them... I drank in that oh so wonderful scent with my eyes closed and a look of sheer bliss on my face.  I would have even gone as far as to lick the box had I not been interrupted by a nosy broad shooting me the 'WTF are you doing?' glare.  I quickly returned to box to its place on the shelf and ran over to the vegetables wondering where my self respect and will power went.  When I got home I seriously considered calling a friend and telling them i'd pay good money if they did my grocery shopping from now on.

I'm leaving you today with a picture of the last meal that I had the day before I started this crazy diet.  And yes.... I consider it a meal.

I'm the one on the left :-)