That's it. My body hates me

I'm convinced that there is a war room in my body somewhere. It's a dark, humid place where all of the worst parts of me congregate. My sugar addiction picks up my anxiety on the way to the gluten intolerance's house where they all cram into my bloodstream to ride their way into my brain. When they get there, I picture the conversation going something like this:
Brain: "Ok, bitches! Let's call this meeting to order! How can we fuck her up now?"
Sugar addiction: "Cravings! Lots and lots of cravings! Cravings EVERYWHERE!"
Brain: "Good! What should we make her crave?"
Gluten intolerance: "I know! I've been lonely! How about we get together with the carb loaders? Mmmm, flour tortillas and white buns. Yummy!"
Anxiety: "I like that idea. It'll give me some action too!"
Brain: "These are all great suggestions, but we've tried them all. She's still just a stubborn bitch who just does what she wants until she can't. Remember when we threw all those stones into the gallbladder so she had to take it out? But she didn't have insurance so she had to wait like a year? That was awesome! We need something like that!"
Well, they've figured it out. My jaw is now screwed. I started going to the chiropractor because I was having really bad tension headaches. With the job I have now, I sit most of the day and my neck has been moving forward and getting gradually worse. So, I went to get it fixed. Unfortunately, during the treatment for my neck, it jacked up my jaw even worse. I've always had problems with it (popping, etc.) but it never got in my way. Now, it's so bad that I can't chew.

Hold up girl! Did you just say you can't chew???

Yes, I can't chew. The only teeth that will go together are my front teeth. I can't open my mouth very wide and if I can't swallow it or mash it with my tongue, I can't eat it (get your minds out of the gutter! This is a serious issue!) So, I've been drinking a lot of smoothies and eating soft food and if I do make the valiant attempt to eat somewhat solid food, it takes me 9x as long. My hair and nails look like absolute crap and I know i'm not getting enough nutrition. Plus on top of that, I went off my antidepressants 2-3 weeks ago (I went on them a few years ago when two of my grandparents were dying and there was a lot of transition going on in my life and I don't want to be on them forever,) so that combined with this, I'm all jacked up. All of this combined with it taking FOREVER to close on our house has turned me into a big stress and anxiety ball.
I know you're thinking, "Ok, we get it, Muffin Top. What the f--- does this have to do with this blog?" I watched a documentary called "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead" a few months ago and the idea of juicing has stuck with me ever since. The boyfriend (we'll call him Vlad) and I have talked about getting a juicer for awhile. Now with all of my jaw issues, it seems to be a more pressing issue. But I wanted him to do it with me and, let me tell you, he is 100% man and he has the stubborn streak to go with it. Well, last night, I was FINALLY able to convince him to watch this documentary with me. At first he was like, "Yeah, whatever. I'll watch it because you want me to watch it." I shit you not, we were less than an hour into it before he started researching juicers on his phone!

Some of the benefits of juicing are:
*Detoxified liver (and the good Lord knows I've given mine a beating)
*Healthy skin, hair and nails
*More energy
*Improved brain function
*Improved heart function
*Slowing down the aging process
*Improved joint function – helping with arthritis
*Less disease-prone body environment. Acidic environments breed diseases.
*Better digestion
and of course WEIGHT LOSS!

So, since the purpose of this blog is to try out various diets and report their findings, that's what I'm doing. We should have our juicer hopefully sometime this week and I'll let you know how it's going What I'm really hoping to get out of the whole thing is: a clearer mind, less pounds, more energy, stronger hair and nails, and reduced cravings for sweets and breads and salty food.

Damn, now I want pizza.

Why Weight Till Monday? ™: Is It Wrong To Lose Weight For A Man?

Why Weight Till Monday? ™: Is It Wrong To Lose Weight For A Man?:     We may have all said this to our friends and ourselves at some point "I don't need to lose weight for anyone but myself!"  However what ...

Is It Wrong To Lose Weight For A Man?

    We may have all said this to our friends and ourselves at some point "I don't need to lose weight for anyone but myself!"  However what we really might be thinking is 'That hot guy i've had my eyes on forever would never date a girl that looks like me! I need to lose weight so he might look in my direction... *sigh*'

  I wanted to weigh in on what women these days are really losing weight for... Is it because of media stereotypes on what we should look like?  Is it because we want to feel better about how we look for ourselves or for other people?  Or is it just because we're told that its good to diet and exercise?

  Last night I posted that I needed a hot male to come over and cook me dinner with his shirt off.  I was totally joking of course but I was actually surprised that that led to a 2 hour long messaging session with one of the hottest guys i've ever had the pleasure of laying eyes on!  He's a personal trainer, actor, and model... *sigh* I haven't seen him in years and I caught myself thinking 'If he only knew what I looked like now he would sooooo not be interested!'  And because I know that he's a personal trainer I was completely candid about ummm fat concerns.

  He said not only would we have dinner but that he would take me for a ride on his motorcycle... Thank god this was just a Facebook chat because I laughed so hard at the thought of me getting on that bike and tipping it over!!!  The funny thing was that I totally told him this and he just laughed. (What a good sport)...  When it came down to picking the date for our date I told him to call me in a couple of weeks... he asked why, and I told him that my reason for the long delay was so that way i could drop a few pounds! LMAO! (or at least hide them with one of those fad diets I hate... you drop 10 pounds in two weeks, and the minute you stop the diet those pounds come flying back at you like metal to a magnet!)

  You might be thinking to yourself 'I would never say those kinds of things to a guy!'... well and if anyone knows me, they know I have no shame and complete candor in these kinds of situations...

  Back to my original topic... Is it wrong to WANT to lose weight for someone else?  I think 'no'... and my reason for this is that YOU are the one losing the weight to get what YOU want.  Plain and simple... so it is really about YOU!  So what if your flimsy excuse for it is a man, or that dress you've always wanted, or that 3 months of summer that we all hate because we know it means we have to bear more skin... who cares!?!?  If its those things that drive you, then I say DO IT!