Hey Resolutions! Shove off!

So, "Happy New Year" and all that jazz.  Oh, and a rant to start this blog... It's "Happy New YeaR," not 'Happy New YearS."  You're celebrating a new year, not all the ones coming up for the rest of your life. We live in a culture where we shorten everything grammatical in the name of "progress," (or laziness.... YOLO, anyone?) and can't figure out which form of "there" and "your" to use. So, if you must insists on Happy New Years, then complete the damn sentence.  "Happy New YeaR'S DAY."
And while we're on the subject, it's ValentiNe's Day, not ValentiMe's Day. To quote Biff in Back to the Future II, "You sound like a damn fool when you say it that way!"  But I digress...
The word resolution is ALL OVER social media and the internet this morning.  People are taking the day to talk about what they would like to change this year from previous years and so often it involves cutting things out... sugar, booze, promiscuous sex, etc.  Then by Valentine's Day, we are back to jumping into bed with the guy who brought us chocolate and candy and champagne (some literally, some figuratively.)
This is my 33rd New Year's Day and I haven't been able to get it right yet.  This year, instead of the lame, "I resolve not to make resolutions," I have decided to make conscious choices to ADD things to my life, one day at a time.  In our nation's love of consumerism, it only makes sense.  We love to hoard, collect and just have as much as possible.  Unfortunately in my case, this also means junk in my trunk. Maybe if I start with the mindset of having, I won't feel like I'm depriving myself of anything, including a chance at the future I want with the family I am ready to start.
I have read a couple of things that have really stuck with me the last few days and have helped bring about a paradigm shift...

• “Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.” — Albert Einstein
• "You can be cry and be miserable and feel inadequate while you are overweight and unhealthy or you can cry and be miserable and feel inadequate while you are doing something about it" (paraphrased... I can't find the original post where I saw it, so I made it my own)

So, in the spirit of the ever-expanding consumption of goods, here's what I shall attempt to add daily:

• Actually getting out of bed when my alarm goes off
• A cold glass of water first thing in the morning to shock my insides into waking up and starting to work so that metabolism can get fired up
• Phentermine with that cold glass of water for three months
• Breakfast 
• Something physical, whether it is taking Roxy for a walk or going to the gym or doing laps in my office
• Healthy snacks so the drive thru doesn't taunt me with it's siren song
• Forgiveness when I press the sleep button, give into the song or skip breakfast and the resolve to start fresh the next morning

Call me crazy, most do. I have a friend who is such an incredible inspiration and has lost 100 pounds in just six months with no surgery and no gimmicks, just healthy nutrition and getting her heart rate up.  She will be the first to tell you she still has some to go, but I have seen first hand how when you take things one day at a time and make better choices, your whole life can change while the important things stay the same.

I can't tell you how many times I've said this before.  Shit, we all have. But since the stopwatch is starting over, it's a good measuring point.  Maybe in six months, I'll be the one saying, "That was the day that changed my life" instead of, "Well, fuck me.  If I had started when I said I would, I would be so much better off."  I am so proud and jealous of Sandra and so mad at myself because we planned to start the journey at the same time and she started putting one foot in front of the other and is halfway done with the race and I'm still hanging out at the snack table next to the starting line. 

So, stay tuned.  

A Coronation, A Curb?

Whatuuuuup?!  Ok, it's been awhile.  I suck.  I've been busy.  Fire me.  I'm sure at some point I'll get to where I've been, but here's the latest in my never ending saga of food.
Yesterday was my official coronation.  I got my first crown!  Unfortunately (but fortunately?) it's in my mouth.  I mean, who would want to wear one of those things on your head?  I'm sure they're heavy and awkward with all those jewels and frankly, anyone who even wears a tiara looks like a teenage girl getting ready for prom or her quinceanera.
Have you seen anything about the tongue patch?  It's ridiculous.  Here's a link to the original article I saw about it.  Basically, a plastic surgeon sews a patch to your tongue with sutures that deliberately stuck up so the roof of your mouth gets poked and it's uncomfortable to eat.  It's one of the dumbest things I've ever seen, but now, I kinda get it.
Since my teeth are so small (the ONLY place that can be described that way on my body...) the dentist decided to create a gold crown instead of a porcelain one.  It's smooth and shiny and I feel like a total badass with it.  I don't have any track marks or gunshot wound scars or a fifteen year old to show for making it out of Palmdale alive, so at least now I gots me the beginnings of a 'grill!'
Anyway, getting used to it is a little pain in the ass.  It's not a natural tooth and the grooves line up, but it's a little bit bigger than my molar was so I can feel it when I chew which is a deterrent to chew which frankly is a good thing considering if I'm chewing I have food in my mouth and when there is food in my mouth, there's a pretty good chance it's not a vegetable. If I had been born with the same affinity for celery I have for chocolate, I wouldn't be writing this right now.

So, there are a couple of different outcomes I can see from this...

1. I ignore it.  I keep going on my usual habits and keep being disgusted with myself and I keep saying 'one day I'll get healthy' and then never do.
2. I eat soft foods.  Except soft foods in my world are ice cream and mashed potatoes and yogurt.  All dairy, all fatty (and yet all so damn delicious!)
3. I avoid eating except when absolutely necessary.  Which is a good thing.  The less food, the less calories, the less of me.  When I do eat, it's fresh fruit and vegetables and get some of the cravings for the starchy foods get under control.

Because seriously, these things are out of control.  A friend of mine is down 100 pounds since June 24th.  She is such an incredible inspiration and I am so proud and jealous of her.  I want people to be proud and jealous of me!

I'll keep you updated and let you know what happens.  And you can figure out how many ways to tell me how proud and jealous you are of me.

Tight Pants And Punishment

Miss Procrastinate here....

You know when you put on those pair of pants that you refer to in your head as your 'ol' faithfuls'?  Those pants that could have been a stunt double in 'The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants'?  Those pants that always fit no matter how many cupcakes you ate?  Ya... Those pants failed me today... 

This summer a Bear Foxtrot and I did the dream diet and dropped a ton of weight... I was happy... the birds were chirping, rainbows were everywhere, and I couldn't have felt better about life.  But then, as always, the excuses for bad food choices and lazy behavior crept back in along with an extra 15 pounds.  So here I sit... disgusted with myself and the part of my stomach that is currently hanging over my jeans.  2 months ago I looked in the mirror and knew that I looked awesome from every angle... and when I was blow drying my hair and my towel would drop, I would just leave it on the floor...because I was a specimen to be admired.  Now when I blow dry my hair I have every hair clip holding that towel in place lest it fall and I have to see the last 2 months of mexican food, pizza, cupcakes, cookies, and wine.

It's even affected my mood, and my poor boyfriend is not immune.  The other day I told him that i value honesty over anything in this world, and that I always want him to be honest with me.  (Trap Setting For Men 101) He of course agreed just like I knew he would...  My next question to him was if i've gained a lot of weight and looked fat.  (This was me setting the motherlode of all traps, and he knew it)  Poor guy...  His answer was genius... "I like the way your butt looks"... I should have known he wouldn't fall for it, damn it!  Needless to say i've turned into a fat, over-emotional, walking time bomb.

Don't get me wrong... I love curves, curvy women, and anyone with an hour glass shape.  I even love my curves!  I just don't like it when they jiggle, spill over, and start to resemble a comforter shoved back into the original packaging. 

A couple of weeks ago my room mate came home with this version of the Insanity workout that only takes about 20 minutes.  We said that we are going to wake up every morning and do the workout before we get ready for work.  I was stoked!  I finally had a sister in arms!  Someone to keep me accountable and wake my ass up in the morning!....Ya... it's still sitting in the same place on our entertainment center untouched by either of us.  I blame it on my hangover in the mornings due to the fact we are making a wine bottle christmas tree this year.

Where did my motivation go?!  I need to find it, and fast!  If anyone has any tips to find motivation please share them with me!  I'll do anything at this point so i'm not ringing in the new year with extra large love handles and a piss poor disposition.  

The Binge

Every dieter knows "The Binge."  It's the final night before the diet, the final countdown and hey, since you're going on a diet anyway, it's better to weigh as MUCH as possible that next morning so your numbers for your first weigh in are impressive, right?
Today is my binge and it's pizza and beer and Magnum double chocolate bars.  Tomorrow, I have no choice but to dive head first into this process.  I'm at an all time high. At my doctor I weighed in at 306.8 pounds.

What. The. Fuck.

For those who don't know, I got to the semi-finals for Extreme Makeover Weightloss Edition.  But, I obviously didn't get on the show.  During the casting process, you have to do all sorts of leg work and surveys and pictures and a video.  This forces you to look at yourself.  REALLY look at yourself.  THIS is what you see:

I repeat.

What. The. Fuck.

Guess what.  I'm embarrassed.  I'm horrified.  I'm embarrassed to share it with you and I'm embarrassed that I carry this around every day.  

I also had to fill out forms and answer questions on how I allowed myself to get to this point.  I know I have a sugar addiction and that I'm an emotional eater.  I started off pretty strong and started a blog www.formerphoenixfatties.blogspot.com which I will copy this post to.  I met a few girls in line and they started off with a bang!  They are both down and have been working out and one even got picked to be part of a Joy Bauer heart health challenge.

I started off strong and then petered out, like I always do. The thing I did right was go to the doctor. She is such a great supporter and she wanted to try a few things before getting to the point where I am now, which is medication.  I did a sleep study and discovered I have moderate obstructive sleep apnea and have been severely sleep deprived, which hasn't helped.  It's caused my dopamine levels to go off all helter skelter and crave sugar for that dopamine rush.  It's caused unbalanced levels of ghrelin, the hunger hormone and a shortage of leptin, the hormone that tells you when you're full.

"Just shut up and get to the POINT, you long winded bitch!"

Tomorrow, I start Phentermine.  It's the "good" half of phen-fen.  It's an appetite suppressant and a stimulant, so it helps burn fat and kills your cravings.  To quote the doc, "If your favorite thing in the world is a cupcake, someone can be sitting next to you eating a cupcake and you won't want one."  

What.  The.  Fuck.  

But wait, that's not all!!  I also get to do an 800-1000 calorie a day diet.  In case you were curious what that looks like, it's rabbit food.  It's low carb, low calorie, low fat.  It's no bread.  No pasta.  No sugar. No soda.  No coffee.  You know, all my favorite things.  It's a gallon of water minimum a day.  It's eggs, spinach and a little parmesan for breakfast every day.  It's lean protein and salads.  A lot of salads.  

I also made an appointment to talk to a therapist.  I'm a food addict and an emotional eater and I have some frustrations I don't know how to get out...

So, stay tuned.  

After another beer...

Pilates and F-Bombs

So if you read my last blog you'll know that Bear Fox Trot (good friend...shall remain nameless because i'm scared of how hard she'll punch me) and I are both on the HCG diet and currently on day 9. I'm here to tell you what happened on day 8.

I always knew Ja..uuummm Bear Fox Trot has never been adverse to cursing occasionally.  I'll admit it... I curse in the the heat of moment, if I stub my toe, or if the top scoop from my Cold Stone ice cream cone falls to the floor.  Last night on the other hand BFT was in true form.

The other day when she was over we planned to do something light like Pilates so that way we go from flab to fab.  When you're on this diet it is recommended that you DO NOT do any strenuous exercises. (Besides the boring meals, are you starting to see why I chose this diet?)  Anyways... Our concern is tightening up because with this type of accelerated weight loss you may be thin... but at our age things will start to let gravity take over.  I refuse to be the quintessential cartoon strip of a woman with her boobs resting in the shopping cart where the baby should be.

BFT arrived at my house promptly at 5pm and before I could even utter the words 'Want to just watch TV?', she was already changing for our first workout.  With the coffee table shoved to one side and the barstools stacked, I dusted off my old DVD copy of Winsor Pilates and got down to business.  I let BFK watch the intro because she had never ever done Pilates and needed to learn about her 'Power House' and the right breathing techniques. I guess somewhere in that intro she heard to breathe in slowly through the nose and exhale with a curse.  Let me show you an example of BFK's colorful conversation with my TV.


Skinny Pilates Chick: (While we were laying on the floor) "Slowly raise your legs to a 45 degree angle...  now raise your arms parallel to the floor and lift your head... raise your legs straight up in the air with your toes pointing up to the ceiling...aaand back down to just inches off the floor... now repeat"

(This is all I heard because BFK's colorful language made me see rainbows)

BFK: "Are you F@$#ing kidding me?! F*#% OFF!"  She then rolls over and reenacts something that looked like the mermaid dance from 'Pitch Perfect.'

Skinny Pilates Chick: "Now sit up and curl into a tight ball with your hands hugging your ankles... Now roll back.... aaaaaand roll back up."

BFK: "WTF! I can't get back up!.... F%$# OFF lady!"

ME: Dying from laughing... and trying not to fart as I roll back up.

My dear friend set a new record: DVD-20 min   Bear Fox Trot: 24 F-Bombs

Masks that are totally worth 69 cents.

Let me tell you though.... it didn't end there.  While we were cooling down and waiting for The Bachelorette to start, BFK continued to cuss at every commercial for fast food, sit down restaurants, and anything food related that came on.  I thought the 69 cent vitamin C masks I bought for us would calm her down... nope.  For the next 4 hours the language ensued.  The only time she used cussing for purposes other than yelling at the Olive Garden commercial was when Desiree gave out the final rose.






That's the down side about this diet... you almost feel like another person while you're on it.  You smell cookie boxes at the grocery store, you cuss out food commercials and well meaning fitness ladies, and lick the screen of your phone when a friend posts this on Instagram.

Photo Credit: P Doublin

The HCG Diet And Licking Sugar Cookies

This is my second bout with this diet and i'm going to be honest... There is a lot to love and hate about it.  If you don't know what it is, here's the low down: Take the HCG drops 3 times a day and only eat 500 calories a day for 3 weeks.  Then for another 3 weeks after that NO SUGAR and NO BREAD.  There are a TON of food restrictions so that way you can get down to weighing less than a ton.  That's the diet in a nutshell.  And if you scroll down to my last blog I posted you'll see that the last time I posted ANYTHING was the last time I was on this diet!  Horrible... but moving on...

The first time I did this diet over a year ago I was in hell.  I was working in a restaurant and had to smell all the yummy goodness I couldn't eat 5 days a week.  The one thing that kept me from sticking my face straight into a fondue pot full of cheese was the fact that every day I got up and weighed myself, I was 2lbs less than the day before.  Overall I lost 15lbs.  You may ask, "If you lost that much weight back then why are are you doing it again?"  Well let me tell you... I thought to myself that since i'm thin and happy now I can eat whatever I want.  Any fat that was left in my body multiplied at the speed of light with that thought, and came back with a vengeance this summer.

So here I am again... whenever I tell people what the diet consists of they either say i'm either out of my mind or the diet must be horrible for me. Yadda yadda yadda... I don't care. I literally just got rid of 9 pounds in 6 days.  Find me another diet that makes me lose weight this fast!  Thank god i'm not the only one doing this right now either... Bear Fox Trot is in the fox hole with me too on this thing so it's nice to have some support.

My Dinner

My Lunch

Salsa is your friend on this diet.

This diet comes with a lot of challenges.  Like I said before there are a ton of food restrictions.  My meals consist of spinach with lemon and pepper under grilled chicken with some spices added.  Or crab with cucumbers and salsa. Nowadays my shopping list has decreased to only buying about 7 items when I go to the grocery store.  The other day I found myself running past the wine and liquor isle. If I had stopped for even a second you would have found me sitting on the floor drinking straight out of a chardonnay bottle like a baby.  That's right NO ALCOHOL.

Food that fell from heaven...

Not to mention that in that same shopping trip I got caught doing something a lot of people might think odd.  In order to get to the produce section at the grocery store I have to walk through the bakery.  My vice (along with a many other things) is those damn sugar cookies.  You know the ones that look like they fell straight out of Channing Tatum's gorgeous abs?  Ya those ones.  So i'm walking by minding my own business when I look over and see them sitting there so innocently... Any sane person would have kept walking to healthy haven.  What do I do? Pick up a box and smell them.  That's right... I smelled them... I drank in that oh so wonderful scent with my eyes closed and a look of sheer bliss on my face.  I would have even gone as far as to lick the box had I not been interrupted by a nosy broad shooting me the 'WTF are you doing?' glare.  I quickly returned to box to its place on the shelf and ran over to the vegetables wondering where my self respect and will power went.  When I got home I seriously considered calling a friend and telling them i'd pay good money if they did my grocery shopping from now on.

I'm leaving you today with a picture of the last meal that I had the day before I started this crazy diet.  And yes.... I consider it a meal.

I'm the one on the left :-)

Crash Diets Lead To BIG Accidents Part 1

It's all in the title folks...

    I know it has been forever and a day since I've blogged.  I can chalk it up to the sheer amount of research I've been doing for this blog ie dieting, minimal exercising, eating everything in sight... But that's only partly true.  In all honesty I went on one diet, ran a total of 2 times, and did in fact eat everything in sight.  Let me take you back to June of last year...

   While I was at my ritual 6 week hair appointment at my friend Renee's Salon we got to talking about this diet she had done for about a week... It was called the HCG Diet.  To only further my curiosity her next client (an old co-worker of mine) showed up early to his hair appointment and began to tell us that he was on that very same diet.  He looked great!  He told me he had lost about 22lbs at that point and had only been on it for about 3 weeks!  Doing the math in my head I thought 'I would be a fool not to this too!  It's only 6 weeks, and I could easily get rid of that pesky 10 lbs that's been plaguing me for the last 3 years in a week and half! What really got me interested though was when he said 'When you're on the diet, they tell you to only do light workouts, but it's not something they encourage.'  Holy Crap!!!! I'd hit the mother load of all diets!  I'd lose weight at lightning speed and I didn't have to work out to do it?!?! SOLD!

   So my next step was to buy what was left of Renee's diet kit she hadn't finished and I was on my way to being super model thin...

   Now let me tell you what is required to do this diet...

1) No more than 500 calories a day for 3 weeks
2) Take HCG drops in the morning and at night
3) Vitamin B drops once every morning
4) Follow the diet plan TO. THE. T.
5) Maintain diet plan #2 for 3 weeks after to keep the weight off. (I must have missed that part)

   I know you read the whole 500 calorie part and almost peed your pants... trust me... I almost did too.  Not to mention that everyone you know will think you're freaking out of your mind to attempt such a crazy thing... and to them I said 'Just wait and see!'

  The first week and a half was awesome!  I noticed how much my hand on it's own volition would reach for the tortilla chips at work and how I salivated when I looked at the Oreo Cookie crumbs we use for the chocolate.... But I persevered and stuck to my guns. What made it easy was the fact that everyday I woke up I was so excited to weight myself and see that another 2 pounds had left the building magically over night. 

  Then it happened... that thing that happens to all women once a month.  It slowed my fast paced weight loss down to a sloths pace... I was pissed!  My cravings for anything sweet kicked up to high gear and needless to say I wasn't the most fun person to be around.  At this point I was down to below what I weighed in high school, but I wanted more...

 Week 3 I found myself eating about 410 calories of food so that way I could have that 90 calorie Grey Goose Martini at the end of my day.  This is total sabotage!  I figured since my monthly bill had stopped the weight loss I could cheat a bit... So wrong... I gained 2 lbs the next day!


To be continued...



  

Holy Crap!

Has it really been this long since I've posted anything? No wonder I'm fat, unhappy with everything I wear, and completely sabotaging my New Years resolution only 5 days into 2013!

Time to jump back on the wagon... Er... Treadmill... And get my butt off the couch.

Look forward to many new and exciting blogs to come this year! Albeit a little less deprecating I'm sure...

It seems to be working

Well, I've been eating healthy and juicing for about a week and a half and it seems to be working. If my scale is anywhere near my doctor's, I've lost 10 pounds so far! This morning, I had lost three inches off my belly and I didn't have to wear a sweater over my shirt because it hung down enough! Fuck yeah!
Tomorrow I'm going in for an MRI and I'm really nervous about it. I'm trying to channel my anxiety into something productive (like this blog....) instead of eating. I don't think I'm going to talk about food and what I would like to do to it right now because then I'll keep thinking about it and then eventually do it.
Maybe I'll make some crab salad. I have imitation crab, plain yogurt and green onions and seasonings, so i don't need any ingredients. I think I have some chicken in there as well to make chicken salad. If use plain yogurt as well as some vegenaise, it'll be a lot healthier. As long as I have onion powder and garlic salt, it'll be good. :)

Cheater cheater burger eater!

Yup, I said it. I'm on day 3 and today I ate a cheeseburger. A junior cheeseburger from Wendy's on their 99¢ menu. It was 350 calories of GLORIOUSNESS with 19 grams of fat and worth every one of those 27 carbs. As was the junior frosty that came free with the keytag. Mmmmm. Froooooostyyyy.
Other than my insane craving, I've been doing pretty good. Our fridge is full of spinach, apples, carrots, grapes, oranges, tomatoes, cucumber, lettuce, etc... At work, I've been eating salads with balsalmic vinegar and last night for dinner i had a baked potato.
I still get really hungry at times; I don't think I'm drinking enough water, which is ironic because I've been peeing like a racehorse. I've been sleeping really well... almost TOO well. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning because I'm so freaking comfortable.
I'm just hoping that I'll get some damn energy so I can get off my ass and start working out here pretty soon, because I haven't lost a fucking pound or an inch so far....

Ugh! I haven't reached my goal in 3 days!! I should quit!

I'M SO HUNGRY!!!

Ugh, day one of juicing.
I'm freaking starving. You know how people will say, "Oh, the first couple days are the hardest, it gets better?" Well, I want to cut them with a machete, pour salt on it and then say, "Oh, the first couple of days are the hardest. It'll get better." Even Joe, the guy from "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead" said, "The first couple of days are the worst. You don't want to be around people, you don't want to be around food."
For the first few days, I'll be juicing as well as eating mostly plant based foods. Breakfast was a juice made from: kale, spinach, cucumber, an apple, and some grapes (I think.... sounds about right....) For lunch and a snack, I took a couple of mason jars with: kale, spinach, carrot, celery, an orange, a lime, an apple and a couple of small radishes.
Breakfast wasn't too bad. Had a hint of sweetness and I really like cucumber, so it was refreshing. The other one is a TOTALLY different story. I have discovered I'm REALLY not a fan of celery. I put two stalks in with my juice and it was completely overpowering... and gross. Well, I thought so. I managed to have one and gave the other to my coworker Kara.
I also had a banana, a salad for lunch, some fruit and came home and had a tomato cucumber salad with a couple of imitation crab sticks.
Did I mention I'M SO HUNGRY! And I'm so tired. My brain is gone and I'm pretty sure I'm not making any sense at the moment.....

Tomorrow

Ugh, tomorrow starts the juice fast. I have a fridge full of apples, oranges, carrots, celery, kale, radishes, cucumbers, tomatoes, pineapple, grapes, spinach and oranges. I've eaten my last western bacon cheeseburger with zucchini and drank my last bottle of champagne for awhile (well, almost... i'm on the last glass right now...)
At this point, I'm nervous, excited and trying not to be hungry just thinking about it. But I'm also looking forward to feeling better. They say that 30% of your body's energy goes to digesting, so since I'm taking some of the work out of it, hopefully it will work in y favor to get my fat ass out of bed and start DOING something.

That's it. My body hates me

I'm convinced that there is a war room in my body somewhere. It's a dark, humid place where all of the worst parts of me congregate. My sugar addiction picks up my anxiety on the way to the gluten intolerance's house where they all cram into my bloodstream to ride their way into my brain. When they get there, I picture the conversation going something like this:
Brain: "Ok, bitches! Let's call this meeting to order! How can we fuck her up now?"
Sugar addiction: "Cravings! Lots and lots of cravings! Cravings EVERYWHERE!"
Brain: "Good! What should we make her crave?"
Gluten intolerance: "I know! I've been lonely! How about we get together with the carb loaders? Mmmm, flour tortillas and white buns. Yummy!"
Anxiety: "I like that idea. It'll give me some action too!"
Brain: "These are all great suggestions, but we've tried them all. She's still just a stubborn bitch who just does what she wants until she can't. Remember when we threw all those stones into the gallbladder so she had to take it out? But she didn't have insurance so she had to wait like a year? That was awesome! We need something like that!"
Well, they've figured it out. My jaw is now screwed. I started going to the chiropractor because I was having really bad tension headaches. With the job I have now, I sit most of the day and my neck has been moving forward and getting gradually worse. So, I went to get it fixed. Unfortunately, during the treatment for my neck, it jacked up my jaw even worse. I've always had problems with it (popping, etc.) but it never got in my way. Now, it's so bad that I can't chew.

Hold up girl! Did you just say you can't chew???

Yes, I can't chew. The only teeth that will go together are my front teeth. I can't open my mouth very wide and if I can't swallow it or mash it with my tongue, I can't eat it (get your minds out of the gutter! This is a serious issue!) So, I've been drinking a lot of smoothies and eating soft food and if I do make the valiant attempt to eat somewhat solid food, it takes me 9x as long. My hair and nails look like absolute crap and I know i'm not getting enough nutrition. Plus on top of that, I went off my antidepressants 2-3 weeks ago (I went on them a few years ago when two of my grandparents were dying and there was a lot of transition going on in my life and I don't want to be on them forever,) so that combined with this, I'm all jacked up. All of this combined with it taking FOREVER to close on our house has turned me into a big stress and anxiety ball.
I know you're thinking, "Ok, we get it, Muffin Top. What the f--- does this have to do with this blog?" I watched a documentary called "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead" a few months ago and the idea of juicing has stuck with me ever since. The boyfriend (we'll call him Vlad) and I have talked about getting a juicer for awhile. Now with all of my jaw issues, it seems to be a more pressing issue. But I wanted him to do it with me and, let me tell you, he is 100% man and he has the stubborn streak to go with it. Well, last night, I was FINALLY able to convince him to watch this documentary with me. At first he was like, "Yeah, whatever. I'll watch it because you want me to watch it." I shit you not, we were less than an hour into it before he started researching juicers on his phone!

Some of the benefits of juicing are:
*Detoxified liver (and the good Lord knows I've given mine a beating)
*Healthy skin, hair and nails
*More energy
*Improved brain function
*Improved heart function
*Slowing down the aging process
*Improved joint function – helping with arthritis
*Less disease-prone body environment. Acidic environments breed diseases.
*Better digestion
and of course WEIGHT LOSS!

So, since the purpose of this blog is to try out various diets and report their findings, that's what I'm doing. We should have our juicer hopefully sometime this week and I'll let you know how it's going What I'm really hoping to get out of the whole thing is: a clearer mind, less pounds, more energy, stronger hair and nails, and reduced cravings for sweets and breads and salty food.

Damn, now I want pizza.

Why Weight Till Monday? ™: Is It Wrong To Lose Weight For A Man?

Why Weight Till Monday? ™: Is It Wrong To Lose Weight For A Man?:     We may have all said this to our friends and ourselves at some point "I don't need to lose weight for anyone but myself!"  However what ...

Is It Wrong To Lose Weight For A Man?

    We may have all said this to our friends and ourselves at some point "I don't need to lose weight for anyone but myself!"  However what we really might be thinking is 'That hot guy i've had my eyes on forever would never date a girl that looks like me! I need to lose weight so he might look in my direction... *sigh*'

  I wanted to weigh in on what women these days are really losing weight for... Is it because of media stereotypes on what we should look like?  Is it because we want to feel better about how we look for ourselves or for other people?  Or is it just because we're told that its good to diet and exercise?

  Last night I posted that I needed a hot male to come over and cook me dinner with his shirt off.  I was totally joking of course but I was actually surprised that that led to a 2 hour long messaging session with one of the hottest guys i've ever had the pleasure of laying eyes on!  He's a personal trainer, actor, and model... *sigh* I haven't seen him in years and I caught myself thinking 'If he only knew what I looked like now he would sooooo not be interested!'  And because I know that he's a personal trainer I was completely candid about ummm fat concerns.

  He said not only would we have dinner but that he would take me for a ride on his motorcycle... Thank god this was just a Facebook chat because I laughed so hard at the thought of me getting on that bike and tipping it over!!!  The funny thing was that I totally told him this and he just laughed. (What a good sport)...  When it came down to picking the date for our date I told him to call me in a couple of weeks... he asked why, and I told him that my reason for the long delay was so that way i could drop a few pounds! LMAO! (or at least hide them with one of those fad diets I hate... you drop 10 pounds in two weeks, and the minute you stop the diet those pounds come flying back at you like metal to a magnet!)

  You might be thinking to yourself 'I would never say those kinds of things to a guy!'... well and if anyone knows me, they know I have no shame and complete candor in these kinds of situations...

  Back to my original topic... Is it wrong to WANT to lose weight for someone else?  I think 'no'... and my reason for this is that YOU are the one losing the weight to get what YOU want.  Plain and simple... so it is really about YOU!  So what if your flimsy excuse for it is a man, or that dress you've always wanted, or that 3 months of summer that we all hate because we know it means we have to bear more skin... who cares!?!?  If its those things that drive you, then I say DO IT!

New Year Resolution Fail

(Why the hell has this blog been so hard to start!  I've literally had this screen on my laptop for 3 days now, not knowing how I should begin...)

   For those of you who have read a couple of the blogs you would know that I harp on procrastination pretty hard, and that it seems to be a central theme a lot of the time.  So just to make my life a little bit harder this year I made a resolution that actually scared the size 10-12 pants off of me.  This year I will not procrastinate.  (It causes physical pain to even say it.)  However, I did give myself a little bit of a loop hole.  I (not surprisingly) set this goal with more a financial, business, get my life in order, career wise kind of theme.  Working out and eating healthy was sooooo not even a thought that crossed my mind.  That, in my book, is not good, because it comes with the thought process of having given up.

  Now in all respect I have shed 10 pounds in the last 2 months and I have no idea how... Its not like I did anything different other than stressing about things that were going on in my life.  However, now that I sit here with a normal amount of life stress I see myself falling back into the routine of "I lost 10 pounds and now its time to put it back on by making excuses as to why I can go get a hamburger and fries instead of making a salad."  Does anyone else ever do this?  You shed 2 pounds then shove a Chalupa in your face?  I am a frequent offender of this thought process and pay for it every time I step on my scale and see that number soar to high heights!  And believe me, Sucking in your stomach does not make that number go down.  Nor does holding up you boobs... because if you're like me, I believe those girls should not count to my total weight. 

  Towards the end of December a thought hit me...why do we constantly set resolutions, knowing that from past experience 99% of the time we fail to complete them?  Is there a way to set a resolution at the beginning of the year that has some fool proof method?  This thought intrigued me so I did some research on the matter.

  What I found is that you have to 1) Set a goal 2) Ask yourself whether or not its measurable and attainable 3) Take it one small bite at a time.

  Number 3 is key to resolution setting success.  We often set a goal and just focus on it as a whole, therefore becoming overwhealmed by it and eventually quit.  Now when I say 'one small bite at a time', i'm not talking about that chocolate cake at your friends birthday party or those pink frosted Valentine's day cupcakes that are sure to make their way into our kitchens at some point. I'm talking about setting small goals with a time limit within the 'Big Picture Goal.'  Example.. (we'll use mine) I have until the end of February to get my business license and open a bank account under that name.  I have until the end of March to get my Website up and running.  When I set these smaller goals, getting my life in order financially doesn't seem like a such a tall order!  Doing this with physical goals is just as easy...

  Once I established that I had essentially not given my weight loss a second thought at the beginning of the year, I set a goal around it.  By the end of January I have to have completed 6 workouts using my brand spanking new copy of Jillian Michaels Ab Workout DVD, and have run at least twice.  It may not seem like a lot to most people, but knowing what my failure rate has been in the past, this is a good start.  Next month i'll up the ante a little bit by throwing in shopping twice a week at Fresh & Easy and Trader Joe's for organic whole foods, therefore, lowering the amount of time I find myself at Taco Bell ordering that damn #9 with a laughable Diet Pepsi.

  Next blog i'll go into more detail about products you can use to help facilitate your goals.  I also want to start doing more videos demonstrating workout DVDs, diets, and excercises so you the reader can make the best decision on what works for you.  And yes, I promise from now on the blogs will be far more entertaining and humorous!

Happy Dieting!

Video Blog Numero Uno!

I know what you're thinking... 2 blogs in one day!? Truth be told i've been sitting on this video for about 2 months now, and as of today I was sick of attempting to figure out how to fix it, re-work it, etc... So I just decided to dive right in and post the damn thing.

It's just a compilation of the funnies clips from the night my friend and I decided to drink.... aaaaand then decided it would be a good idea to work out. It really would have worked better if it was the other way around. I know this... So in the following video you'll see why it doesn't work to drink and workout... enjoy!

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Bikini? Yes Indeedy!

Yes, I am aware that the title on this blog is cheesy.  Ask me if I care...

So where to start?  (I'm just letting you know that my cursor has been blinking at me for the last 5 minutes at this point...)

3 weeks ago I signed on to do this 90 day goal setting program, and as a coach I also have to set a goal to work on for the 90 days.  The goal, you may ask, was of course a fitness goal.  My end result to prove that i've been working on it?  To post a picture of me in a bikini here on this blog for the whole world to see!  (And there can be no photoshopping of any kind, nor spray tanned abs.)  Needless to say my butt muscles clenched a little when I said this out loud to my coaching group...  First step to getting a goal: Tell everyone  so they can hold you to it, right? Crap.

So now i'm telling everyone that happens to run across this blog too... Why?  Because I want to keep my butt muscles clenched so I actually get it done and look fab (not flab) come 3 months from now.

Now on to my regimen:  I'm going to start by downloading this awesome nutrition plan (phase 1) from LiveFitRevolution.com.  It's a 6 week nutrition plan that gets rid of a ton of weight!  I watched my mom go through this program so i've seen the results.  This is no time to mess around with fad diets.  I'm grabbing this goal by the horns and riding it all the way to the skinny and fit finish line people!  Also on this website they have videos that you can follow working with a kettlebell. Done and done!

I'm also working on posting at least 3 video blogs in the 90 days as well...  The first one is going to be a rough cut so excuse the sloppiness of it all.  Here's just a hint of what it in-tells... Drinking- How its not a good idea when you are working out.

FML

Seriously, I hate my body at the moment.

For the first time in my life, it's not because "I'm totally having a fat day so instead of doing something about it, I'm going to drown my sorrows in a Western Bacon Cheeseburger, fried zucchini with two containers of ranch and a Nestea Raspberry Iced Tea and pick up a pint of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food to watch while I watch Golden Girls alone night" (consuming 1450 calories, 80 grams of fat, 143 carbs and 2730 grams of sodium with dinner and 1120 calories, 52 grams of fat, 148 carbs and 340 mg of sodium while sitting on my fat ass later that evening).

I hate it because I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing and my body isn't doing what it's supposed to be doing. If you read my last post, you saw that I'm supposed to cut out gluten and sugar and sugar substitutes, etc, etc, etc. So, I've been doing that. I only jacked up once and went to Taco Bell. I had just gotten done working out and was CRAVING a burrito. Like MAD craving. I had to run to the store to get a couple of things and there was a Taco Bell on the way. Soooo, I decided to test this whole gluten theory AND fulfill my craving. Bad idea. Within an hour, I was feeling even more bloated than I had been earlier that day. I thought that would be almost impossible.

I hate it because I've been doing the right things. I haven't been using any artificial sweeteners or processed sugar and I've been ingesting minimal raw sugar. I've been eating low fat. I haven't been eating gluten. I've been making dinner at home and I feel like a fucking rabbit because I eat tons of salads with dressing on the side where I dip my fork in so I get minimal calories. I've been eating the Activia. I've been taking Benefiber (3x a day when I remember, but at least twice). I've been drinking tons of water. I pee like twelve times a day. But for the love of all that is holy, I can't poo like I used to! I'm still so backed up. Today was the first day that I was able to poo three times. I feel like going out and buying a lottery ticket!

I've been working out as well. I'm lucky enough to have a gym and spa at my work that I have access to. I'm thinking of becoming a regular in the steam room with all the old hags with too much money and nothing better to do. I've been parking further away and taking the stairs. I've been doing what I can.

Even after the religious experiences I had on the throne today, I still feel so bloated. This is one of the signs of gluten intolerance AND IBS. Greeeaaaat. This is one of the reasons I went to the doctor in the first place. It usually takes two weeks to see some relief from gluten intolerance and I'm a week in. So, this is good. But, why all the anger at my body, you're probably asking?

After all this crap (or, rather, not?), and after SOME relief, I still haven't lost any weight. After ALL the salads, all the fruit, all the vegetables, all the homemade crab salad, all the lowfat pad thai, no bread, no ice cream, no cookies, no french fries, no cheeseburgers, no soda, no fruit punch, no Crystal Light, no mac and cheese, no alfredo pasta, no pizza, no frozen custard even though there is a Culver's next door.

I'm hoping those blood tests come back that I have something wrong and that the doctors can fix. I dunno. Maybe I ate a watermelon seed and I have one growing in my belly. Maybe I accidentally ingested a parasite that has grown into an alligator. Maybe I have a weird biological glitch that causes the air I breathe to turn into sugar. Son. Of. A. Bitch.

I'm one of "those people."

I HATE those people! The ones who modify the hell out of everything and get really irritated and the ones you just want to stab in the eye with a fork? Yeah, I'm going to have to start wearing sunglasses everywhere to protect myself.
So, how much does this suck? I'm pretty sure I have IBS that is exacerbated by gluten. I don't think I have full blown Celiac disease, but I'm pretty sure I have a textbook case of gluten intolerance. I went to the doctor on Tuesday and I had blood drawn on Thursday morning to figure out with the HELL is going on with my body.
All I know is that for the last month, I've felt like Violet from Willy Wonka. Seriously. I started doing the low fat thing because I was having issues when I would eat fatty foods. I cut down my portions and increased my fruit and vegetable intake. I drank mostly water and coffee and the occasional soda water with lime. I cut down on sugar and was doing mostly sugar free.
Apparently this was all a bad idea. I GAINED like five or ten pounds. Who has two thumbs and was pissed? THIS GIRL!
So, I went to the doctor and here's what I get the JOY of doing for the next few weeks: the rest of this week, still keep low fat, but watch the sugar. And no artificial sweeteners. AND take Benefiber 3 times a day. And eat Activia. AND try to not drink caffeine. Next week: All this crap AND cut out gluten. Easier said than done. Gluten isn't just wheat and soy. It's used as a binding product in a lot of breads and pastas. You know, the good stuff. The week after that? All this bullshit AND cut out dairy (except for the Activia because it's healthier than taking probiotic supplements.) Oh, and I'm supposed to work out at least 30 minutes a day.
So, basically what I've figured out is that my body hates processed stuff. I feel better when I have salads (dressing on the side, no croutons, no cheese) and brown rice (white rice processes like sugar in your body) or quinoa, oats, eggs, etc. I can still eat meat (praise JESUS!) but I have to keep it as lean as I can, which means little beef.
So, I'm going to lose weight. I have no choice. It's a matter of health and the fact that I'm not supposed to eat all of my go-tos (ice cream, cookies, cheeseburgers, fries, mountain dew, chocolate, etc) is going to force me to re-learn how to manage my stress. Plus, these are the things I usually consume without thinking, so now I'll actually have to think about it. And say no. What a novel fucking idea.
Oh, and one more thing? Detoxing to get all this crap out of your system sucks ass. I had a headache for three hours today and finally got a half a cup of coffee because I'm pretty sure it was because of the lack of caffeine. A girl had some extra Lindor truffles in her desk and they were white chocolate. She doesn't like white chocolate. But I do. I had one. Shortly after the coffee. This was a few hours ago. I can't tell if I'm hungry right now, or if I feel like crap from those things. Dah!!! But, it's 8:00 now and I should probably go make dinner for Adidas and I, so I guess I'll have my answer soon!